I realised I was very I'll aged 22. I am now 50 and know I was always ill but I as far as ever from a solution. If only death were like switching off the light. Flushing the toilet takes too long. I have "ordinary" parents. Mother wanted me, the second born to be a girl. I learned to cope as a child, pleasing adults. But not making friends. I was too of the class. Saved the family home (above the shop) from father's ruinous alcoholism. Got a place at Cambridge. Arrived and had no coping strategy any more. Had learned to rely on drink. It got ne through my 20s, then I had my first ever relationship, with another man. Unworthy, I gave up everything to trap him in. No intimacy but I was ok. I had a partner. 20 years later I couldn't go on. I managed to admit my lies and get out. I've done pills to death, ECT, therapy by the yard over the years. I once had money. Now I'm like everyone else. Join the queue. But there is no point trying a different pill with me or a few CBT sessions when I get to the front of the queue. I am an alien, no self worth, no ability to have friends, no ability to love. Lots of ability to deceive, still holding down a job. Wanting to be dead. Scared to die. Appalled at living. Not knowing where to turn.