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Light the touch paper and stand well back !!

The title speaks for itself . A life of self destruct ,ruined relationships ( three marriages to date ) self blame , self loathing , no self esteem , shame , and more regret than should be allowed. The list is seemingly endless . Hopelessness , totally irrational thoughts invading the mind , mental terrorism . Feeling disconnected from life and joy , the distance getting greater and greater as the years go on. The dark place of fear and anxiety seems to rule everything. I am 55 now and as I look back there are not many things that I can smile about because most experiences that may have started out with potential for happiness have ended in doom. The birth of my children were wonderful experiences and thankfully they are still very much in my life . I love them with all my heart but feel inadequate as a father because of the choices I have made ( but then were they choices I could rationally make ?? ) . I know for sure that my condition was one of the major factors in the breakup of my family , as It was in my previous families . This , along with bankruptcy , is the most recent event . It is true to say that not many people understand what we go through, although there is an awakening to the problems that we face with depression and other mental health issues. It is certainly being recognised as an illness rather than a weakness but is it really understood by those who should understand it . Loved ones , employers ect . The stigma is as strong amongst the ignorant as ever . I have recently started counselling again ( I have been on several occasions ) and also I am due to have a mental health assessment by the local health authority . It is , in a way a relief to know that someone may be able to put their finger , or help me put my finger, on a root cause of this dilema, this rock and a hard place that I am between so I can , at least , take a step forward in my own understanding of this illness that has bought me, at times , to the pit of despair . Knowledge is good . Learning about the illness and being able to link it to personal life events may help to bring closure to parts of life that keep us trapped . These are strange and difficult times as my work has been badly compromised and I could lose my job due to my conduct . I have that to face also . It has , however , opened a can of slimy worms and is the reason I went running back to my GP for help. I have been to my GP on several occasions and have been written a prescription for citilopram which was the wrong one for me for sure. I came off the drugs , convinced that I could make it on my own but came crashing down in a ball of flames again . He immediately put me on mirtazapine which has had a completely different effect and has generally calmed things down for the time being. I will finish this brief outline of my life with saying that I know you are out there and that we are not alone in this although that is one of the worst parts of the illness is feeling alone surrounded by people we know or even with loved ones but it feels good to be able to share openly about this . :-)