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my story *TRIG*

I am not quiet sure what i am supposed to write but here goes.

I am a victim of sexual and mental abuse when i was a child, however maybe i should tell you that i am now 21 years old and i am still here 10 years after the abuse ended therefore i believe i am a 'survivor' rather than a victim. I am going to keep this anonymous as i still feel i have to protect the 'innocent' people in my life from the pain i am going through whilst helping those that have experienced similar abuse as me.

This blog is going to explain my feeling so that anyone who reads this blog understands that if you feel the same things as i do then do not worry you are not going mad, these feelings are not uncommon.

I often read about survivors of abuse who have a clear memory of what happened to them and are able to explain the incident/s in great detail. With me this is not the case and i have often worried whether i am loosing my mind. However i know this is because for so long before opening up to anyone about this i suppressed these feelings in a part of my mind that i hardly ever look back into. The mind works in very mysterious ways, this area of the mind is where things seem to become a blur and in no specific order. Everyone has dreams that always seem to make no sense and the facts in the dream have no relation to each other. This is because psychologically you are re visiting past experiences however because you have not accepted these and just repressed them away all facts from different incidents intermingle therefore causing this confusion.

Often i ask myself what have i done wrong to deserve this however this is the child in me speaking, if i reach inside and pull out the adult in me i know that what happened to me 'was NOT my fault'. Anyone who is a victim/survivor of abuse should try to remember that you are not the one in the wrong, you have not done anything to influence this, the person in the wrong is the perpetrator.

It may be hard to speak up about your circumstances or your feelings however it only takes for you to find that one person who you feel you can trust and immediately (not always but most times) you will feel a huge sigh of relief this is because you have let someone in. I always describe opening up as a bottle of coke(or whatever drink you prefer) you can not release the contents until you open the lid. So remember you can not release the contents suppressed in your mind until you open that lid and 'find your voice'.

Luckily for me i have found great support at my university from my lecturer. Even though she has not known me that long i already feel that she knows me better than anyone this is because i have been able to open up to her and this provides me with the comfort of knowing there all people out there who will listen and will not judge. Further to this i have now started to find help in certain self help books. One book which has helped me greatly over the last couple of weeks is a book called 'end the struggle and dance with life', this book was recommended to me by someone and at first i was a little reluctant to read it as i was not ready to accept what happened to me. I would recommend this book to anyone in my position as this book helped me to see everything from a different angle and helped me to start the journey to being able to 'dance with life'.

I think the moral of this blog is that if you are a victim of any type of abuse or a survivor of any type of abuse and you feel the urge to trust someone, then grab that opportunity with both hands because if not it is likely that you will loose trust in everyone and your life will become a big secret which is not healthy mentally or physically. I'm not saying that it will be easy to trust someone but sometimes you find that one person you just automatically click with and get that gut instinct that you can trust them like i did recently.