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swimming against the tide
ANDREWPANTLING

Hello everyone!
Ok where do I start?
My name is Andrew, I live in Canterbury Kent, I am single, 39 (40 this year)
I have been out of work for about 6 months and Signed off with depression and anxiety since the new year. but the anxiety has been around for alot longer than that. I had been working as a chef for 6-7 years, but have had to give it up due to much stress and anxiety. Now have getting anxiety whilst job seeking. my confidence is at alltime low. don't want to go back into catering as it caused alot of anxiety and i feel like it would just be going into what i have just come out of.
I have been doing some learn direct courses over the last month or so, to build up my confidence and skills. It's working slowly.
Family wise, it's been interesting.
Dad (69) is suffering from diabetes and heart problems. He's in so much pain most days. doesn't get out much, only hospital appointments. sleeps most of the day, wake most of the night. has a carer twice a day. on more meds than a pharmacist.
Mum (70 next week) Suffers from severe depression. Goes up and down like a yoyo!
Currently on a low turn. Used to have 2 days of group therapy a week. until cut backs hit recently. now only once a week. (with threats of fazing it out all together) she was just getting settled there and got into a routine. now she's all over the place after having the rug pulled from under her, as it were. she has a carer 3 times a day on most days
She is now almost given up on life as she feels like she has nothing to live for now.
Doesn't like getting old and being ill all the time.
She has recently started talking about suicide, which is very worrying for anyone to hear.
End of last year she tried going on a bus into town one sunday with the sole purpose of going under a train. thankfully she got off at the end of her council estate.
They both live in Ashford kent. so they're close enough for emergencies, but at arms length to have some peace now and again.
I have 1 younger brother and an older sister. We lost a sister 4 years ago to cancer.
She left a family of 4 children and her husband.
My eldest sister and family are having their own problems. my youngest niece (20) left home
last december quite abruptly and has filed a child abuse case against her own dad. none of the family know if there is any truth in it, but my brother in law denies everything. he is on bail awaiting trial. this puts immense strain on the rest of the family. my sisters marriage has been good at the best of time before that anyway!
My parents and I, are all christains. but my Mum is stuggling with her faith while her mind is all over the place. Because my faith is a little bit stronger. she leans on my for spiritual support. although I do not know all the answers to her questions.
I regularly keep in contact with her and visit when I can.
I confess i leave it a couple of days between calls, because i am not in the best of minds myself at times and it feels like i get pulled under if I am not careful.
I find it physically, mental. spiritually and emotionally draining.
The was a lot of pressure on the family last year with various issues. this was while i was trying to hold down a stressful job (which was starting to suffer as a result) it all got too much by october last year. I had to hand in my notice because my head was all out to sea!
It has been tough with my own life, to cope with my parents as well is getting a bit too much. I am awaiting local health authority counselling. taking too long.
My mum has become quite agrophobic, but then can't stand being in the house.
we have mentioned sheltered accomodation, but hasn't gone down well.
she struggles with concentrating on any hobbies, TV, reading or anything we suggest.
she has got into the frame of mind that she can't or won't do anything. She wanders the house or sits in the chair saying "oh dear!" repeatedly. until she wears herself out. now the carers are wary of her. they try their best, but it wears anyone down after a while. It has broken my a few times, watching her in that state. it can get quite harrowing.
I fear the worst sometimes.
She worries about my dad dying and her being alone on her own. he worries about her and the cycle continues.
I don't know what else to suggest now. which is why I came to this site to see if there is any help, support (for my mum and myself), advice available.
It has been a tough few years and I need fresh advice. local doctors don't seem to be helping much.