Its been a long time of getting progressively worst and finding ways to cope but finding the last part and wprse part of my emotional distress almost impossible to break.
As long as i can remember i had a massive obsession with what others think and huge fear surrounding it. I had negative parents and a mother who put what others thought above everything, my version of reality was a distant mother who never showed me love. She showed my brother plenty but i was a "pain" "unattractive" "freak" etc, my mother was passive, even very lovely to everyone but me and then she died when i was fourteen.
My Dad was aggressive my mother was scared but she also played games, i suppose looking back it was like they were children themselves, they said i was to blame for everything, the arguments, the shouting...i would get things i wanted from my mother because she would give in then my dad would go mental and id feel like the most evil thing in the world, i withdrew and only said hurtful things to people at school, im not sure why.
I went on at my dad for years about the violence after my mothers death, i never let him forget all the negative brain washing but my most recent achievement is letting all that go and forgiving my family including my mother and looking AT MY PART in it later when i drinking etc i got no apology and no acknowledgement of the things they did but i know ive apologised for my constant insistence that he admitted he was a monster, because u no what he was not a monster he was a sick person himself and my mother new no better having had a critical distant mother herself.
Now i suffer still with lack of trust, thinking i know what people are thinking, hearing people saying your fat ugly a freak, even though i do not really hear them say it. I think i suffer from non delusional disorder, i can spend an evening with mates have a real laugh then my mind comes up with all these bizarre ideas about them hating me, thinking im odd even if they have said im lovely which they always do, picking up one sentence and twisting it and believing it so much i say i do not want to see them again, nicely of course and leaving them feeling confused. i always know intellectuality that its untrue but i believe it its so real. Ive dealt with so many things and changed so much because im in recovery for alcohol and compulsive over eating and haven't drank in ages or over eaten, i used these things because the thoughts were so intense so since giving them up i have found all this stuff getting worse, i say that but it has always been bad but im just way more aware of how hard just normal tiny activities are for me, i do not work and am receiving good amount of money which i am grateful for, i tried to no avail to hold a job down for years and ended up having about twenty jobs.
I believe in peace and serenity i believe we can achieve this, i have to believe this and keep on keeping on, i have to have faith i can beat this, i will try anything do anything to help myself, im just starting to take anti psychotics, a very low dose of 100mg (ive been on citalopram for years) being a normal weight i really have avoided this till now as i know the weight gain can be huge, i swim everyday now and eat well so hopefully ill be ok, the thought's the thoughts the thoughts if only I could just get some peace from my own mind, just be in the moment feel free, ive never even got close but im waiting for the miracle ill wait and wait and wait and hold my face upto the light and even if for the moment i do not see i will believe more deeply i have to ................:)