Describing a very severe social anxiety disorder
Social anxiety can be easily described as a condition in which individuals are fearful of usually
large social situations such as public speaking and parties this is usually down to a fear of being
judged or being humiliated or embarrassed in public. This is a horrible feeling but can usually be
treated with intense talking therapy and possibly anti-anxiety medications to help reduce the
symptoms. Social Anxiety Disorder is a more severe form. I am going to try and briefly explain what
it is like to have this disorder, this is my own case. Bearing in mind it is so difficult that after three
years even a consultant psychiatric cannot understand and treat it. Even after three years of
intense treatment the condition not only hasn't improved at all but appeared to have worsened.
I originally seeked help from my GP because for years I was socially anxious among people. From
what I experience today, the symptoms were mild. I felt a bit awkward among people and was a bit
anxious at night from knowing that in the morning I would have to go to the bus stop where there
would be a group of people my own age and be nervous around them. I was anxious of mainly
people my own age; teenagers. From looking back I was scared of what they may think of me and
if they would be nasty to me or bully me because I was different. I didn't like sport and I got on
better with girls. I was scared people would bully me because of this and now and again people did
but not severely, just little snide comments here and there as people knew how to wind me up.
Over the years people realised I was easy to wind up and would be continually throwing a strop in
the classroom because someone had wound me up. The more people the more scared I got and
the symptoms did meet that of social anxiety I was scared of being humiliated/embarrassed or
worse of all, noticed. I would be scared of coughing or sneezing in assembly in front of these 300
people and them all turning around and staring at me. I realised this was abnormal so I went to my
GP who referred me to the local Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services. I underwent
psychotherapy and counselling instantly and while I enjoyed finding someone I could talk to I
realised after a couple of months it wasn't changing anything. The psychotherapist asked me If I
would see the consultant psychiatrist who is running the team so I agreed and during this time the
social anxiety was worsening, making me develop a depression. I could not go anywhere outside
of school as much as I would of loved too. I was prescribed Fluoxetine, in hope that my anxieties
and depression would be reduced a little bit. Sadly after a few months there were no effects only
the social anxiety worsening. After nearly a year my psychotherapist retired and I was referred to a
CPN for Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy I was excited at starting a treatment that may actually work
and she explained it all to me ad I thought it sounded alright. Unfortunately, when it came to the
social situations my anxieties were overpowering to a state where I couldn’t do anything with my
mind, it was disabling. My anxiety worsened to a state where I refused to go to school and I was
put on complimentary education where I was home tutored. This was so much less anxious for me
only dealing with one tutor but brought on deeper depression as I became more lonely and in the
long run only made it harder for me to be around people. I started training and a work placement
which I found extremely difficult doing but knew I had to or I would be homeless (more reason to be
socially anxious about what people think of me). I was put on the medication Citalopram sadly this
also didn't work and during the whole time spent what must be hundreds of pounds on books and
even a DVD to try and help with the socially anxious thoughts these were self help so I tried my
best to try and change my mind and what I was thinking but I couldn't. The social anxiety worsened
yet again and I was wondering if it was the tablets which worsened it so after a year on different
medications I went off them, subsequently this made the social anxiety even more worse. I was
recently put on Sertraline and the depression and social anxiety still remains the same. Anyway
this is not a life story but a more descriptive account of my symptoms so this is what the next
section is, it will be describing MY social anxiety disorder as a whole, and whether or not you relate
to it, this is the hell of what I am experiencing.

Strangers and society as a whole

Even among just one other stranger in a room alone I am severely anxious I get heart
palpations, sweating, loss of breath and very panicky. I am scared of the pure fact they are
looking at me. On times this is down to body dysphoric disorder feeling that I am ashamed
for people to look at me because i'm unattractive. But the main symptom being
experienced is that because each individual looks different I am just scared of being
noticed and what people will think of my face and body, and the fact they may remember
my face and I get paranoid throughout the night thinking someone is probably talking
about me right now and as they are talking about me they are picturing me. (I understand
this is extremely odd thinking). My thoughts when with someone is what will they think of
my face, how are they describing me, what are they thinking of me, do they like me, do
they realise I am different from other boys/men, do they think I am attractive or ugly, do
they think I am fat, do they know I am weird and have all these mental problems, can they
read my very CRAZY mind?, and the thoughts go on and on but the thoughts have now
been experienced for so long that when I see a person I automatically feel socially anxious
without even thinking anything. I don't necessary have any of the thoughts I am just
anxious in an indescribable way. It is automatic the thoughts come on and and once
around a person my brain is locked and it cannot be changed, thoughts can't change and I
can't think any more positive because my brain is simply locked in anxiety and won't
unlock again until I am away from a person/people. Sadly I experience this among
everyone even people I know and my family. This is why since self-help in my case is
impossible and medications (chemicals) will not work on my brain I feel like my hell will
never improve.

People I know/friends

Among people I know and friends I am also very anxious. Not as anxious as strangers I
can speak to them but I am till scared of what they think and the same thoughts as above.
When I first see a friend or someone I know for the first time I get really nervous and can't
look straight at them because then they look at me they are recognising me which is what I
fear most and will they think something has changed about me and this makes me even
more paranoid. I am simply afraid of being seen and remembered. Even among my
psychiatrist who I have known for over two years I am so socially anxious I usually leave
the appointment with bloody hands because I’ve peeled/bitten so much skin off around my
fingers it is bleeding I don't realise this when I’m in my anxious locked mind.

Family

This is what I categorize as severe social anxiety – when you are anxious around your
own family who have brought you up since you were born. I am anxious of what my father
who I live with I am scared of and very anxious when he talks to me and looks at me. E
hasn't done anything wrong this is just the hell of what I suffer from, and it's constant.
Clashes with other mental health symptoms
The saddest thing possible about my experience is that some people with social anxiety
can accept it as a way of life and don't really enjoy the company of others anyway. I am so
different, I would love nothing more than to be among people who would keep me
company and the only time I am not depressed is when I am with someone comfortably as
I possible can and talk and socialise as I know it's a lot healthier for me. So I want to be
with people as much as anyone else but then I can't because of this hell I experience.
Most people will say just go out and do it, just really using motivation ignore it all but i'm
afraid it's not possible it is like I say a locked state of mind it cannot change. Because the
social anxiety stops me from being with people sometimes I will go a whole day without
seeing anyone the longer this lasts the more the onset of psychosis sets in I start to talk to
myself more and by the end of the day will develop into a full on conversation with myself
where my lips will move. Sound often doesn't come out but the whole conversation is there
in my head. My case is so severe I want to get better but I can't even be hospitalized
because I would be continually worrying that the people around me are watching me and
there would be so many people patients, doctors, nurses, cleaners etc. it would be really
unnatural for me, and would just be an endless case of anxiety attacks until my heart just
gives up and I have a heart attack.
With my social anxiety disorder my head is my only friend, and my only friend is my worst
enemy.