I guess I can sense the Storm (depression) coming but am never really ready for it or equipped to know how to deal with it. I can be happily bouncing along with the day-to-day and then something, and this can be absolutely anything from a change in the tone of a colleagues voice, so a job not completed and the "storm" has arrived and there is no where to hide and no way to stop it. The darkness it brings with it can be frightening with thoughts of running away and hiding to not wanting to be hear at all and then I don't have to deal with any of it. I am not sure what stops the last thought at the moment as to be at peace would be my choice but something and it may be a distant burning ember of hope that I still have the "real me" somewhere in all this darkness, all it needs is a calm moment to allow it to shine and come through the storm to relight the lost path of its owner. How can someone that was so vibrant and so full of life and repelled all things that have been thrown at her, and believe me there have been extreme things from being abused to near death as a 18 month old baby from her alcoholic father to consistent drunken rape with a first partner, yet still she smiles and is considered someone to be jealous of. How does one put on such a mask for all to see yet suffers so deeply behind it and sometimes struggles to put one foot in front of the other. The the outside world I have the perfect marriage and a beautiful daughter and a lovely house and therefore "why the problems". I do have the most wonderful loving husband and daugther who support me so much and I know that but the "storm" doesn't care about all that, it cares about the destruction it can do as it takes its grip and leads me down another path of which I know not how it will end. Sometimes there is complete blankness where nothing goes through my mind and then it is as if someone has switched on a food mixer at full speed and my mind is in pieces not knowing where to go, what to do and what to think. I pray that this awful illness that I suffer, that I can get through it and find the happy person I was before as I so do not want to live like this anymore, I don't want to be part of the "storm", I want to see brighter skies and ones which take me to better places in my mind. I sit here and tears slowly fall down my face as I read this back to myself, my heart hurts and my body aches from tiredness of feeling like this. I am a person who has so much to give but has got so lost in this storm I can no longer find the way out, I feel so alone although I know I have people around me who care but I can't see them anymore. I am so sorry.