This is what I wrote in my diary.
January 4th 2012

I felt ok this morning, but this afternoon I got worse, and worse and worse, and then really bad. I was talking to Vicky via text messaging and she said that she in not so many words that she couldn’t make it this weekend, which was fine with me as I knew it was Donna’s birthday and that her sister was coming down, and also that she wasn’t well (Vicky), I was still ok at this point, I did understand the situation and didn’t have a problem with it.
Later in the afternoon, not sure what time it was, think it was after 4pm, but not sure, I had a phone call from Haley, the in house CPN from my GP’s surgery. We discussed a few things and in the end she said that they / she couldn’t offer me anything, that I should use the skills I was told when I had 6 1 hour sessions for anxiety and that they would work for my depression to and that medication has in the past made me a lot worse, which is true, about the medication.
I wished I could have expressed myself more to her on the phone or to anyone, but it’s hard for me to understand, why I feel so bad. I don’t think she (Haley) understands how it feels to be depressed.
You have no self esteem
No energy
No self worth
No wellbeing
You not worried about self hygiene to the most part,
I don’t eat much not just because I don’t have the energy to make anything I’m just not hungry.

I didn’t go to my sister’s yesterday not just because I had a really bad headache, I knew that I couldn’t cope with the noise.
I know for a fact that Haley (in house CPN) doesn’t know how much work my ex foster parents ,my family and Vicky, north Wales police and the paramedics had done for me, if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be here now.

The best thing I have done since the last time I felt this bad is give up alcohol, that was about 2 weeks ago, it’s not been easy, but it’s the best thing that I have done, and will continue to done, I know that it is the alcohol that makes me lose control, and not think of others, although, I did for a moment think about taking all the tablets I’ve got, but then I thought of Vicky and my family, which includes, Vicky’s family, who I think as my family now.
I am very worried that my continuing mental health problems are having a bad affect on my ex foster parent’s health, since one of them stays over night with me to make sure that I stay safe.

My younger brother is too scared to stay over with me.

I wished that I could get out of this, and get better, all I probably need is to discuss is how I feel, to someone, who isn’t family, but someone who understands and even if I’ve been doing really well that they are just a phone call away, so that I can talk to them and just get things off my chest, it’s not asking a lot really, it would be the best for me and my family and Vicky to, that I know and they know that I could talk to someone, and also they knew a little about me to and that I knew that they can go about their lives not worrying about me and my problems, but also can be their if needs be, this would be also helpful not only for me, Vicky and my family, but also for other people in similar situations.

I am now going to try and list things that are currently bothering me that I can think of off the top of my head; these won’t be in any particular order.

1. Lack of support from Haley ( in house CPN)
2. My own well being
3. Where do I go for help now, that the in house CPN has abandoned me.
4. I know that soon that my ex foster parents will have to give up taking so much care of me, how will I cope.
5. Can Vicky cope with my depression? I think she can now I’ve given up drinking.
6. My younger’s fear of staying over with me that I will come really depressed and he can’t cope with me.
7. That my niece isn’t taking her medication so that she can drink alcohol and looks like she’s totally ironing her specialist, although I’m not sure she has ADHD, but I think they know best.
8. That the unusual, (not the normal) mental health problems aren’t been taken seriously by the NHS and government.
9. That I’m not taken seriously by the in house CPN, nor is my GP concerns about me. It is a known fact that other people can see more than I can see myself coping, I would have thought that the in house CPN would ask anyone was looking after me when I was really bad, it would have been a good idea for them to have a meeting with them, to fully understand my needs.
10. I am also worried about my sister and her upcoming family court case which has been dragged out.
11. That I know that my Nan won’t make it through the year, but I also know that the age of 96 or 97 that she has had a good life.
12. The New Year break, the most things that makes me angry is that hotels and the government don’t take wheelchair access seriously enough.
13. I’m still waiting for my approximant with a specialist, for a physical problem and not mental health.

14. The government cuts, with benefits, that I’ll probably will have to go for a medical, when my DLA is up for review, I just hope they ask more about my mental health, rather than physical, unlike last time when I had to go for income support tax credits.

I think that’s about it, I can’t think of anymore at this moment.