Well I am not really sure where to start and how to begin, but here it goes

When I was living at home things at home were pretty bad and I had a bad childhood.

While I was living at home with my parents, older sister and younger brother . Yes you guessed it , I am a middle child. I always got told of my mum that I was lucky to be alive.

When I was two years old I got rushed into hospital and the doctors told my parents that I had a twisted bowel, brain damage and I couldn't hear or talk.
To this day I can remember that I couldn't really talk or hear probably and had gone for lots of test and therefore I can talk and hear now. I have also have a large scar from the operation I had for the twisted bowel. For the brain damage I don't know because my mum has said that I have got it and my auntie mums sister says that I have never had brain damage at all . In my eyes I don't believe mum.

Things got bad when I was at primary school I got bullied quite a lot and I had to get on with it because my parents wasn't really interested . I didn't get any help with my homework at all and I was struggling with my school work because I had problems at home . Nearly every day I got told off big time or smacked for something little . Sister and brother always told over me as well.

Things got bad to worse when I was at high school and at home as well

At home I got accused of stealing mums purse . I saw the purse on the armchair and someone must of knocked it off and didn't notice. The purse fell into my sister school bag. When I got home the air was blue. I got a good smack and got told off .

Then one day I was in the kitchen drying the pots and mum was in the living room . She shouted for me to
fetch her cigarette in to her . I did just that and I got told off and smacked for it because I was being accused of smoking the cigarette. I tried to explain that my hands were damp but she wasn't having none of it .

At secondary school things got even tougher for me . I was being bullied even more and kept it quiet . I had problems at home and at school and my school work was suffering very badly.

During the secondary school I got told of mum saying that I was a killer , a murderer and I was to blame for my mums miscarriage .Then one day out of the blue we had a health visitor and a social worker come knocking on our door and they were asking me if I want to go in a children's home for two weeks . I said NO but I wished I said yes. That was that and they left.

During the summer holidays while I was still at secondary school . I got sexually abuse my the next door neighbour twice.
When I was sexually abused the second time I came home and mum knew straight away that something was wrong with me and I had to tell her what had happened. Guess what mum didn't believe me she believe the next door neighbour.
Two months past and she saw him outside and she brought him in into the house and she confronted him in front of me and he confessed to all.
All the family went out to the a town centre for the day and mum saw a policeman , she approached the police told the police what had happened to me and then she said that I not reporting it , I am just letting you know. Mum didn't say sorry at all and nothing happened after that . I was on my own trying to come to terms with what had happen and trying to cope with it the best I could .

My mother and father has never been loving towards me. They have don't hug me and they have never said that they love me.
Mum wants to be centre of attention all the time and she will speak her mind and plus she couldn't give a toss about anything or anybody else apart from herself and she doesn't like my friends or partners as well . The reason I know that mum doesn't like anyone that I hang around with is because she told me all the time.
Father he is a door mat and is very quiet and he wont say boo to a goose . They both hit me and told me off for many things that weren't my fault . I always got the full blown of everything . My sister and brother was just angels compared to me . I was a black sheep of the family.
While I was growing up I had to learn how to tell the time, learn how to put a postage stamp on a letter, learn how to do shoe laces , learn how to ride a bike , learn how to get the correct change if you are buying something. So really I had to do a lot of things myself .

I never got the freedom like from other children .
All my friends could play outside , go to each other houses, go into town on their own and have sleepovers and I was never allowed to stay over as well .

When I finished secondary school for good. I had to get a job to tie me over when I stared college.
I thought I might get a bit of freedom because I started a job. It didn't work at all , so I begged mum for me to sleep over at a friends house and she said yes and on that night we finished work went to hers for tea got ready and went out . During the night out I asked my mate to go into a supermarket and get some alcohol. She did and she brought back a big bottle of Thunderbirds for me. Within an hour I drunk the whole bottle. Next minute I woke up in casualty surrounded by nurses . By the time I woke up probably I saw mum and sister walking in to me and mums face was like thunder . They came in and the doctor said to mum and my sister that I was a stupid teenage getting drunk . Nobody asked me any questions why I did it .Yet again I was on my own trying to cope with everything what was happening to me . The reason I did it because I wanted to die and I had enough.

I started college and the first college course was a year and I passed the course with flying colours.
Then I started another course which was another one year course and I didn't pass the course because I had to deal with even more problems.

While doing the second college course My mate was having a party at her house and I couldn't even go to that because she didn't trust me any more. I started having boyfriends and brought them back to the house and she managed to break us up . The reason she Managed to break up my relationships is because they did not suit me , she didn't like them and she was telling them I wasn't sexually assaulted but I was touched up. My life was going down even more and nobody could help me because I was on my own with it all.
I knew that my college work was suffering and the tutor pulled me to one side and asked me if anything was okay and I said no . The tutor made me an appointment with the college counsellor the next day. We had ten sessions and it was going well and . On 4th December 1991 and I went to see the counsellor and something snapped inside me and I pulled a bottle of Paracetamol's from my coat pocket and opened the bottle and I nearly took all of them in front of the counsellor . Nothing happened the counsellor talked to me and saying give him all the paracetamol. I did what he asked and nothing came of it. Again it was a cry for help and I didn't really get it.

When I was growing up I went to my nan's and grandads house for a visit because I got on with them and while I was there my grandads dog collapsed in front of me and died . The dog died with a heart attack . Mum knew what happened and who was there but she didn't even say to me if I was okay or not.

One day mum said she had put my name in the free paper for friends forever or relationship . To my surprise I got lots of replies.
I got in touch with one and we met each other and things progressed and now we are married and have a son together.

I met my husband while I was 19 years old and moved in with him when I was 20 years old .I got diagnosed with depression by my new GP put me on anti depressants and referred me to see a counsellor . I have seen many counsellors in the past but it didn't really help me at all and I just learned to cope with it the best I could.

When I was 26 years old I fell pregnant and had to come off my medication. When I give birth to my son, he had to go to special care unit and I had to have a blood transfusion . When we both finally arrived home I developed post natal depression and followed with depression . I went to see my GP and put me back on anti depressants and I was up and down with depression and was changing my medication every so often because we couldn't get my medication right for me.

Then we found out that my son had mild special needs and had to go to hospital appointments all the time. We just prodded on the best we could as a family and I was able to cope with my depression.

Then in March 2011 this year my depression had worsened and for the first time ever I started to self harm, hearing voices, seeing people what was not there and wanted to stop in and cut of all the world.
I had the courage to make an appointment and see my GP and the GP doubled my medication and referred me to a Mental Health team. I wasn't paying attention what my GP was saying about the Mental Health Team because my head wasn't there.

In April I had a letter through the post for me to see a CBT therapist. I went and thought it might
work for me but I thought wrong. After four sessions I had a bad session and while I was walking home I went to a bridge and I was half on the bridge and I just couldn't put my other leg up because I didn't have the energy to get my other leg up and I was so exhausted and was in tears going home. I kept this to myself for a couple of days


After a couple of days my mate came and I told her that I tried to commit suicide .She was very concerned and that I needed help fast. So she was on the internet looking for phone numbers to phone up and ask for help. She eventually got a phone number for our local hospital which was linked to the Mental Health. My mate got me an appointment the next day to see a psychiatrist nurse .

I went to see the Psychiatrist nurse and told her what was happening and she made me an appointment to see a Psychiatrist the week after and an a CPN .
Got the CPN and she was a waste of time .

I went back to see my CBT therapist told her what had happened and said that the CBT wasn't for me at this stage because of how ill I became and she referred me to a counsellor .
The therapist said if I became stable and when I finished the counselling I could go back to her.

Started seeing my Psychiatrist and the Psychiatrist diagnosed me with severe depression and anxiety. I started seeing my Psychiatrist every month and got my medication right and now seeing the Psychiatrist every six month. I will be seeing the Psychiatrist in March 2012.

Psychiatrist referred me to psychotherapist . I saw the psychotherapist and she said it was to soon to start the therapy and I could get referred again in one to two years.

Beginning of October I got a letter through to see a counsellor . The sessions were going all right until Monday 12th December came.

At the end of October till now I have noticed that my depression has come back.
At the end of November I started to overdose on medication and I told my counsellor on Monday 5th December when I was leaving to go home and yes she didn't do anything at all because our time was up.

On Monday 12th December I went to see my counsellor and told her that I wanted to die because I
have had enough of feeling this way. The counsellor said that she doesn't know what to do for the best and she was in two minds to phone the crisis team up but she didn't.
She did said that I have two options

1 Make an appointment with the GP
2 Go to A&E
I didn't want to go to A&E on my own because I was too scared.
So I decided to make an appointment with my GP on Thursday 15th December and went home in tears. While I was at home I decided to phone up the Psychiatrist sectary up and told me that the Psychiatrist was on annual leave and he would phone me when he was back.

Then I thought while I was in such a state because I couldn't stop crying . I phoned the counsellor back up and left a message saying no one is helping me and I was sobbing uncontrollable at this stage .

During the late afternoon my counsellor phoned up and said what can she do , so I said that she could take me to A&E , she said that she cant because she was still in clinic . At this stage I was hysterical and the counsellor said that she could phone an ambulance for me . I just said NO just leave it. I put the phone down. Nothing happened that day at all . Was crying at 10.35am ad still crying at 5.05pm . I had to calm myself down because my husband and son was due home.

It feels like I have been let down by the NHS and other people in the past.

Went to see my GP on Thursday 15th December I told him what had happened and how I felt and he decided to double one of my medication and got to go back in January. I also left a message for my counsellor to say what my GP has done and I have not heard from her . I go back to see the counsellor in January. During the afternoon my Psychiatrist phoned up and I told him briefly what had happened and what my GP has done . Psychiatrist said that if I don't improve I can phone him back up and he will see me in clinic or wait till March when I see him next .

During the Christmas period I started to drink alcohol every single day to stay happy and I have also deleted all my friends from face book as well. I do know that drinking alcohol isn't the answer but It makes me happy and there is no support over the Christmas period at all.

Over a couple of days I noticed every time I ask my son a question he goes to my husband and whispers something to him. I confronted my son about it and he turned round and said that he doesn't want to come to me for anything because he doesn't want me to get upset, stressed or to shout at him. I have a loud voice thou but this has upset me a lot

I have realised that it is effecting my husband and my son is only 11 years old now .

Being through all this with my depression worsening . I have lost a best mate that I knew for 20 years old.
I had a best mate when we was at college and we told each other everything and we became more sisters then best friends . She had problems and she knew about my past and depression. When we finished college altogether we decided to stay in contact with each other. I was always there for her when the going get tough . When I started to get ill in March 2011 .I told her that my depression was back and I tried to commit suicide and after what I told her she didn't really keep in touch with me and it was me trying to make all the first moves. So I thought I send her an email and this is what she put.

Thanks for the email, its not that you have done anything wrong,its just that I struggle sometimes with how to answer.

I find it hard to deal with some comments that you make and rather than reply with something that make is worse . I sometimes it is better not to say anything at all. I guess I cant win.

I appreciate that I am not in your shoes and I really don't mean to piss you ff, but I am going through a really happy phrase in my life at the moment (god knows its about time) and I intend to work really hard to make sure that its stays that way.

I hope you can appreciate it from my position and wish that you could feel as good as I do at the moment . I suppose I now have something to focus on and this is keeping negative thoughts away.

I do want to be your friend, but I need to be honest with you as well. I have realised that only I can improve my situation and make myself better.
Her partner came into her life out of the blue, I want him to stick around. If I am constantly negative or being down about life, he wont be around for long.

Yes that email knocked me for sixes and I told her that if she was going to be like that about it , you have lost a best mate and ever since I have not heard from her.

When I told the family that my depression has come back , my mum turned around and says that I am not depressed , I am fed up because I am not getting my own way.

I count on my husband for support and he is behind me all the time , but I cant really tell him how I feel all the time because I just don't want him to worry even more.

I am trying to stay out of hospitals because I have never been sectioned and I don't want to be as well.

I don't want to go to A&E because they might keep me in
It is New year in another two days and lets see what the new year brings for me but at the moment I have no fight left in me to fight and struggling with the depression.
I don't know what's best for me any more