So its ten past midnight, and I'm too scared to sleep, yet too scared to be awake.
Ive suffered with depression, anxiety and extreme paranoia for the past 5 years or so, but had always pushed it to the back of my mind and focused on other things.. this in the long term was the biggest mistake. If only I had realised what was happening sooner, then maybe I would be in a more stable place right now.
I left my long term job about 2 months ago, a place of negativity and pressure.. Whilst I'm sat here thinking of those times, I think.. was I the negative impact that made everyone else so negative? Did I bring a bad energy to make everyone else feel low? Or was it that people simply didn't have the time of day for me and my whining about these low and occurring moods? I left on good terms, don't get me wrong, I grew so much as a person in those years, only for me to now realise timing is everything. I thank them for giving me the opportunities that happened, I just felt I was ready to leave and take the next step in my career...
I have since left the job I moved too.
I have now been put on anti depressants.
I have now been signed off work (I quit throughout my leave, they were extremely understanding.)
I am now sat up in my living room writing this because I have nowhere else to go.
My partner, who has only just got a job after 5 years (Like role reversal!) is asleep. I have nightmares about being dragged through the woods. Im scared to sleep, and I just want someone to just voluntarily tell me its okay. That I am a doing this and I'm beating this. But he doesn't seem to have a care in the world. I spent 10 minutes silently crying next to him, I then went into panic attack mode and moved myself to the bathroom, where I sat for about 20 minutes sobbing my eyes out, for reasons I can even explain. I want to call someone, just to hear what they're doing or whats on there mind.. anything to take me off mine. But no - ones awake, no - one but me and my crazy mind.
This feeling has consumed my body, mind and existence. I can't hold eye contact with anyone, which then gives me crazy thoughts like ' They're going to think I'm some shifty shit' or ' She's super nervous, whats wrong with her?!'
I have no inspiration to do anything. Ive read and heard that you're supposed to make a space clean and pure, to help calm your mind. HOW CAN I DO THAT WHEN I HAVE NO INSPIRATION TO REMOVE ALL THE CLOTHES FROM MY BEDROOM FLOOR?! Someone help. I wonder if this is what its like to be a zombie, a constant state of feeling numb. Or super opposite, like the feeling that everyone hates you.
I was browsing on social media, and old work colleagues were liking and commenting on each others Facebook group, saying how beautiful they are. My mind went into meltdown.. Why does no-one LIKE ME? It sounds horrendously selfish, but why can't someone just tell me its fine? You look great. You can do it. Look how far you've come.
Then I remembered I'd seen an ad on social networking sites for SANE. So I whipped out this laptop and signed up. I am thankful for this space, I know no-one is going to reply, but getting all these thoughts out there at this moment in time has helped. I won't nod off into a nightmare, and awake with the same thoughts I did 2 hours ago.
It will be another thought that will be on another story Im sure.
Its now half midnight and I can feel my sleeping tablet kicking in. Droopy eyes and brain that won't sleep. What a perfect match. I am now going to go to the bedroom, listen to said boyfriend snore, and hope that me and those freakishly familiar woods don't meet tonight.