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still laughing
Posted by motherofrage
7th Feb 2015

A few days ago I got very angry at work. It was stupid: one of those idiotic bureaucratic hoops that someone had to jump through and I knew I was not the right person to do it - I don't have the right skills. I'd been trying for some time to explain this and to get the people in the relevant department to take responsibility for the job, they just ignored me. In the end it came down to what was effectively blackmail: either I did as I was told, or someone else would suffer for my obstinacy. This was precisely the set-up when I was abused, and even as I felt as if I was watching the whole sorry farce play out in front of me, I was completely powerless to change anything, I had to go through it all over (again). I've since talked to my therapist about what happened, but I'm still very troubled. I can see the value of understanding how certain events trigger certain feelings in me, but in this case that just made things worse: I could see what was coming at me, and still I could not escape, or fight back, or protect myself in any way. It feels like the man who abused me is still out there somewhere and laughing his head off at how thoroughly he's messed me up. And I'm frightened: do I have to live the rest of my life knowing that he's lurking somewhere in my head?

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