Posted by shash
3rd Feb 2015

Well I just chickened out of attending a local knitting group. I live in a small fishing village in north east Scotland where there are fewer people in the whole county than there were in the council estate I used to live in in England and yet my social phobia keeps growing and growing.
I rarely leave the house and am getting fatter every day. I used to be really fit, walking 10+ miles a day but now I start to feel anxious if I am out of the house for more than half an hour. I have tried joining various groups but usually end up feeling stupid and paranoid so stop going.
The local mental health team wont have anything to do with me as I am refusing to become a zombie with the anti-psychotics the psychiatrist wants me to take. (Why is their answer always drugs? Why can't they help us to live with our symptoms rather than just trying to mask them?)
I didn't get on with the Occupational Health guy either cos he seemed to be reciting from a "How To" manual. I find CBT excruciatingly embarrassing, all that americanised touchy feely crap. I don't have mirrors in my house because I look like my dad how am I supposed to look at myself every morning and say something positive and loving when all I see is the man who degraded me for 13 years?
Just had the Jehovah's Witnesses at the door! Boy do I hate those idiots. Wish I had the nerve to tell them why instead of politely asking them to leave.
Ah it seems I am in my cynical frame of mind today. Yhat should be fun. I hope it doesn't last long or I will get nothing done.
I seem to have a fractured personality. Everyone uses different parts of their personalities to deal with different situations but mine seem to take on more substance than most and become almost individuals in their own right. It is difficult to explain to people as they seem to think I am saying I have multiple personality disorder but I'm not. All of the "me's" are "me" just different aspects of "me". For example; the "you" at work is different to the "you" at the pub with your mates yes? But you can switch between the "you's" as needed I can't, my "me's" come and go at their own violition. I never know who is going to be in charge and I can't interchange them at will. This can cause all sorts of problems.
I am always on edge around other people as I don't know what I am going to say or do and sometimes forget what one part has said or done when I am another part (though I usually have some vague recollection like the morning after the night before sort of thing).
Ok the creative me is slipping and the practical me is fighting for control so I'd better close now and do some work.

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