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Speak up
Posted by gemsstar30
25th Jan 2015

I have suffered with depression for a couple of years now, trying to hide it for as long as possible, I was in complete denial that anything was "wrong" with me. It was only when I attempted to take my own life for the second time that I was diagnosed by a doctor. I was given medication & helped by a crisis team. I never thought I would feel happy again, I was told it would get worse before it got better and it terrified me.
It took a lot for me to admit I needed help, only seeing the effect it had on my close family and friends made me go to the doctor. I didn't care about myself, I didn't feel worthy of the help, I was ashamed & thought it made me look weak. I slowly started to feel better but I started to doubt whether my happiness was real or the medication. I also struggled with the side effects of the tablets & so I stopped taking them.
I thought I was better until recently I suffered another bout of depression, this time it was worse for me because I couldn't understand why. I had amazing family, friends and partner. I had it all but when I was alone I was desperately sad. I'd go from massive highs of happiness to desperate lows. I was so frustrated by this illness. I isolated myself and ended up losing my partner and I knew then this time I had to change things & get better. I haven't started taking medication again, I choose to talk about my feelings instead, I also exercise and eat healthier. I have stopped drinking alcohol and taken up hobbies that the depression made me forget I enjoyed doing. I wrote this blog to try & reach out to anybody who's feeling low and depressed but is suffering in silence because like me you feel ashamed to talk. Admitting to anybody you love that you're unwell, weak and vulnerable is the toughest part but once you do that you can start opening up to receiving the help you need. Depression naturally makes you push people away, when really you're silently screaming for them to stay. You're never alone, remember this happens to 1 in 3 of us. Speak up, end the stigma and we can all hopefully help the next person. I hope this helps anyone reading this. Keep being brave & remember it can & will get better.

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