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I'm not crazy, I swear..
Posted by BeautifulMistakexo
10th Jan 2015

For as long as I can remember I have always felt an emptiness. Growing up for me wasn't easy and I think mostly that emotional, physical and mental abuse are the route cause of my inability to lead a 'normal' life. Unlike some I haven't had the luxury of feeling what it's like to be normal. As a child I always had a sense that something wasn't quite right I was always the quiet one, the troubled kid with no chance of fitting in. Due to the chaotic mess going on at home I found it hard to trust, and even harder to make friends. From the early age of 8 I felt worthless, useless and like I didn't belong, I attempted overdoses several times, my cry for help I guess.

My mother was and still is very distant so i never really felt 'love' and to this day I struggle to open up or show emotion. I shut myself down mentally and now at the age of 22 I still feel an intense emptiness, insecurity and just the constant feeling that I don't belong.

I left home at the age of 16 due to an abusive relationship with my stepdad. To this day I regret meeting my ex partner who is and was just as messed up as me. I didn't ever feel loved by him and I fell horribly into a drug and drink fuelled realationship. I messed myself up pretty bad, doing things id never dream of doing. The age of 16-21 is a huge blur for me. I fell deeply into depression, isolated myself from my family and became a monster. Only last year did I manage to pluck up the courage to leave a person who would abuse and manipulate me, I lost control of every aspect of my life and decided enough was enough.

I left my abusive ex just last year, to this day he still tries to interfere with my life but I'm using every ounce of will power i have to get my life on track. When I left my ex I felt more alone then ever, for almost a year I was being promiscuous. .. seeking some sort of connection. Some kind of love. I started taking medication to ease my severe anxiety and depression. Last march I was diagnosed with Bordetline Personality Disorder. Im still not to sure what it means which frustrates me as I somehow want to be cured I want to feel normal.

I met my current boyfriend 7 months ago and just 3 months in I became pregnant. Which is pretty daunting as I have that voice in my head, the negative voice that tries to convince me I'm no good. I'm currently battling my disorder without the use of any medications. I'm really trying my best and I'm looking forward to the arrival of my baby I just feel so scared and alone despite the support of my partner and family.

I'm tired of trying to convince myself that nothing is wrong. I just want to feel a sense of normality. I'm not crazy honestly :(

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