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Feeling alone in a room full of people
Posted by MissyParadox
30th Dec 2014

So, for the 20th hour of my day, I am in the same room, looking at the same four walls and the same computer screen. The man who I want to spend the rest of my life with? Oh he is just next door, playing his game, interacting with new people, it is okay though I will get to see him a few minutes before he sleeps.

You see, I am not an easy person to live with. Yes I have issues with my brain, anxiety and such... however not all self -inflicted if you will. For most of my time, I sit alone, thinking, then over thinking...oh then think some more.

Each time the tick of the clock passes me by, I try to hold back not to make my own artwork upon my wrists. Little marks to show myself I have been punished for all the hurt I have given people- it is my fault you see.

Now that I have no family around me to support me- they fled knowing this little flower wilted and looked ugly around all the pretty tall standing sunflowers. I am stuck where I am. I can not work, the place terrifies me, yet I do not want to be in the place I call home.

I could be in a room full of people right now, I wouldn't know. I am alone, always. This way of life not what I want, not what I want to choose. The thought of a wedding and children makes me sick to my stomach... I will never deserve that happiness.

My days now consist of me instigating a get out plan. To run, leave everything behind, shed a new skin, become a Venus fly trap flower, eating everything that comes at me.

I have no road which I want to take in my life, all I know is that I want to be alone within it, well get my old friends back in my life, enjoy a life there, move to a place that is not here.

My head is like a huge blender, chucking thoughts and ideals around. 2015 will be a weird year, it will not be a new start new me... it will be something that starts with an explosion, one I can not predict.

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