change of mood
Posted by Sal4595
4th Dec 2014

My first blog was rather optimistic and encouraging people to cope with their issues and problems. I am now however at a very low point today, and needed somewhere to vent my feelings. For this I very much apologise for the outburst which is to follow. But, if anyone can help me, or provide any words of encouragement or help, they would be very much appreciated. I hate these mood swings. :/

I donít know what to do
I am now crying in my uni room and have been for an hour
I am just thinking about the work I have to do, but just canít do it. I physically canít bring myself to do it. I donít know why but I just canít.
I am so angry at myself for self harming again.
I am weak, pathetic. I hate myself for everything I am and everything I do.
Everyone is around me laughing and having fun and have no idea what I am feeling shit and crying just 2 meters away from them
I have my blades next to me and so desperately want to use them. And Iím sure by the time this blog has been read I will have.
Iím talking to a boy, but I donít think I even like him, I just want someone to like me, to prove to myself that I can possibly be liked. Then I think there isnít any point in talking to anyone because there is no way I would let it develop because of the cuts all over my thighs. I would never let anyone see them! I am going to be alone for years.
I harm for so many reasons, one being because I feel constant loneliness, but then by self harming, I am forcing myself to be alone.
What the fuck is wrong with me. I just donít know what to do. I have been to the counselling service at my uni, and after assessing me they put me at high risk, and she seemed genuinely concerned for me, and said that I would be high priority for a session. That was weeks ago now, and now they say I may not be getting one before Christmas. Again, I am not depressed enough. Self harming and thinking about ending it sometimes isnít bad enough for help. I am never good enough, bad enough. Just its always shit for me and always will be.
I donít even know why I am writing this blog. I normally vent my feelings into a book I have, but I just want someone to understand the pain I feel. I want to tell someone about how much I hate myself and how shit I feel constantly rather than just reminding myself it again.
I donít know where to go. I have no clue what you could possibly do for me. No one ever can do anything. I am always the retard left in the corner to deal with her problems.
Look at me now, surrounded by people, but never felt so alone.
I need to stop talking to the boy though, even if I do like him, I would just be leading him on because I could never let him in on what is going on. Enough people know and they didnít know what to say, what to do.. they said they would be there for me, but when ever I feel shit they are just off having a laugh. I have no hobbies anymore. I have no life. I donít deserve life. I donít deserve happiness..
I need to stop moaning about my life and just accept that this is the life I will have. I can either man up and accept that it will forever be shit. Or give up.
I donít know if I really mean that though, I want to go into a coma. A coma will sort everything. Just 6 months away in peace. Just go away, and have a break from life. I am exhausted, I am exhausted with the constant battle with myself. I am exhausted with constantly being at war with myself. Against what I feel like when I am hitting rock bottom everyday, or what I remind myself is Ďnormalí behaviour. I know I am not normal. It isnít normal for people to hate themselves, it isn't normal for people to self harm. It isnít normal for peopleís dream to be being in a coma. I am abnormal. There is something wrong with me. No one cares enough to fix it though.

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