Something I need to tell the world....
Posted by twojabs
30th Nov 2014

Firstly this is not my pity party, this is my way of trying to explain to friends, family and the world what I am going through at this moment in time and how my brain works (or doesn't work) at the moment.

If someone had told me a few years ago I was to be diagnosed with depression and anxiety I would never have believed them in a hundred million years, but nearly 3 weeks ago thats exactly what happened.. I have always been an emotional person and worn my heart on my sleeve to an extent, but 18 months ago things seemed to take a more sinister turn. Things started to happen in my personal life and where as before I just carried on regardless I began to really struggle with them getting out of bed in the mornings became difficult and it started to feel like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders all day every day!! For the next 6 months I carried on not sure of what to do and just put it down to issues within my family at the time and that it would pass by soon enough. When it didn't earlier this year I finally decided that I needed help but still didn't know why, and when the doctor suggested antidepressants or counselling I freaked massively and ran a mile in the opposite direction. For a while after I tried to carry on, as I didn't want to admit I had issues. The problem though with depression and anxiety is that your trying to use the one thing that's broken to mend the problem!

Finally though after watching a show on BBC3 on mental health and listening to Alastair Campbell talk so openly about his battle I realised that I needed the help offered to me and that I needed to get it as soon as possible. So in November I started my long road to getting back to the person I use to be so long before. I know its a long journey to get there.

Trying to explain what it is like is impossible, but if you imagine when you ill and you go from hot to cold to hot to cold, it feels like that but going from being up for a minute to then being the furthest point away from that, that may give you an idea?

3 weeks in and at times I feel I am having better days here and there but I know there are still dark days ahead (and as I write this I am having quite possibly the darkest 2 days I've had for a long long time) but I believe that brighter days are ahead I just need to get there.

Even after only 3 weeks you get a better idea of who is and isn't there for you, and I have realised people who I thought would be there through it all (thick & thin) in fact aren't and never planned to be, people who you thought would understand in fact don't at all and people who you worried about telling are in fact some of the greatest people around (if any of you people read this you know which category you fall under)

As I said at the start in no way is this some sort of Tim's pity party, but I feel people around or not may just benefit from knowing it.

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