Unexpected turns
Posted by Caronhw
18th Nov 2014

Today was not what I expected. Yesterday I started to feel the increased dose of medication was beginning to cut in after almost two weeks. This morning I awoke feeling overwhelmingly sad again. Just goes to show it can be very much 1 step forward and 3 steps back. Don't count your chickens etc etc. I managed all day yesterday at work and cried only twice, both times when I was expressing how kind and supportive people have been towards me. Even typing that brings tears to my eyes. I managed to phone my mum and my friend Di, and speak to them both without crying, and reassure them 'I'm getting better'. So it came as a surprise to wake up this morning and feel that overwhelming heaviness and sadness well and truly back in place. I slowly emerged from my bed and couldn't even motivate myself to shower and wash my hair (soo not like me) , so I threw on some 'dog-haired' little number and got to work, albeit 10 minutes late.( Even being late made me angry with myself.....grrrrr! I should at least be able to get to work on time ). I got the labs ready, but felt very much like a coiled spring, as my psychiatrists appointment was at 10am at the bradgate unit. 10 o clock I was there. No where to park!! How ridiculous (and a pretty good measure of my current mental state) that I burst into floods of tears, yet again, and abandoned the car on some double yellows. Yes, just try and give this mental woman a ticket, mr-jobs-worth-parking-attendant, and I'll have you in a wet and snotty grapple around the throat. Not a threat. A promise. So, the mask has slipped..... Well completely fallen off, and here I am ; in all my complete nutty, snotty, irrational, irritable glory. Mr Mcconechie was running late, so I stared at the floor, without blinking, for 25 minutes whilst a fellow lunatic tried to make conversation with me. For once I couldn't be bothered to put the mask back on and nod and smile, so I ignored the poor guy. I feel horrible about that, in my selfish state I couldn't find the energy to care about someone else's feelings. That is so not me. Dr Mcconechie called me through, gave me a box of tissues, and told me I need to work WITH them. Hmmmmph! I know what's best for me! Or so I thought. He had read my notes, he knew I was a perfectionist; an all or nothing person. He asked me if I was happy with the standard of work I was providing right now. I had to admit I'm not. I can't concentrate, I'm forever forgetting what I'm doing. I feel like I'm letting everyone done. More tears, more snot hanging in a long string off my nose. For gods sake!!!! Get a bloody grip woman!!!!! I get so frustrated that I have no control of my emotions. They just ARE! Absolutely and utterly embarrassing. I couldn't even tell you what the good doctor looked like, as I stared at his shoes the whole time trying to compose myself.....'They were black brogues and looked expensive, and he had big feet ,officer.'
The outcome..... Lots more medication, 'stuff' that will zonk me out, stop me overthinking and help my tiny brain start to come down from overload. Other 'stuff' that should raise my mood in addition to the 'stuff' I'm already on. I tick all the boxes for ECT. I can have it as soon as I want, preferably once I've levelled, I can phone tomorrow and go straight to the ward as an inpatient. It's all in place and that is a huge reassurance. ECT has amazing results. I've been reading up on it. People with chronic depression have actually been cured. CURED!! To imagine life without this feeling is.....well.....unimaginable! I've been told to take one day at a time. That is all I can do .... And I know that I am slowly but surely heading back into the light. I may grab your hand on the odd occasion when I loose sight of where I'm going, but just point me forward, kick me up the arse and tell me to plod onwards x thankyou for spurring me on x

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