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My journey to recovery - day 1
Posted by justagirlbroken
3rd Nov 2014

I've decided to blog my journey, which starts today and also post a photo of myself taken at that exact moment so I can see my progression and hopefully an improvement. The blog is mainly to help me confront my feelings and fears, and also to help me. If it helps others too, brilliant.

So, day 1 - Last week was one of the worst weeks I've had in a long time. I spent the majority of it crying, thinking how to kill myself, when to kill myself and the implications it would have. Whilst in my pit of despair, I went onto the Samaritans website, which I've done a few times before. I've tried calling them before but find I'm unable to speak, I burst into tears as soon as someone answers the phone and have to hang up.
I sat for hours wondering what to do. I really needed help but couldn't physically to talk to anyone. I don't really have any friends as they have all shit on me one way or another and I'm not a very forgiving person. I have a wonderful boyfriend who the complete opposite personality to me. He sees the good in everyone and never gets upset or down. I wish I was more like him. But then that means he doesn't understand my "condition" (as he puts it) and hasn't a clue what to do about it. He can't understand how I can be so sad when I have a house, a car, a child and him. I don't understand why I get so sad that I cry for days, so how could he?
I've been like this for 15 years. I've tried anti-depressants which made me worse and took a long time for me to wean myself off them. Not because I was addicted or anything, but they make you so physically ill when you stop taking them. I've had counselling before. She was useless and blamed everything on my parents, who were probably the only stable thing in my life and are certainly not to blame for the way I am. So I didn't continue seeing her.
Four years ago I tried to kill myself. At least I think I did. Maybe I just wanted help. I don't know. But I took any overdose, got taken to hospital in an ambulance with my 6 year old daughter with me and had to stay in for 3 days. The nurses were not very nice to me and acted like I was a silly little girl who was wasting their time. They were going to put my daughter into social care which terrified me, but my mum found out where I was via the nosey next door neighbour and she took my daughter home. I tried to discharge myself but was told if I left, they could have me arrested and brought back as I was a danger to myself. I was told a psychiatrist would come and see me, but that never happened. After three days on a drip to stop my liver and kidneys failing, I was sent on my merry way. And that was it. No referral, no support, nothing. So here I am four years later in the same situation. I need to change. If I don't, I'll lose my boyfriend. My daughter will grow up to be just like me and will maybe end up in foster care. My mum would not cope and would either kill herself or have a nervous breakdown. I have to put a stop to this - now.
Yes I feel shit and I just want to lie in bed because being asleep means I don't have to deal with things. Yes I still want to jump off the roof but I want to get better and be happy more.
Last night I had an argument with my boyfriend over his ex wife, which was just me being irrational and ridiculous. So I cut myself for the first time in ages which he doesn't know about. We then sorted everything out and I am left with more scars and feeling very stupid. So today I phoned the doctors and made an appointment for Thursday. This is a massive step for me as I have no confidence in Doctors at all. ~But I need to start somewhere. I've been texting the Samaritans all week and they have been great. I wouldn't have called the docs if it weren't for them. I've hit rock bottom before and managed to keep going and pick myself up. This time I'm going to get up and stay up. Watch this space!

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