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Realisation - Depression at 50
Posted by Mikerowe
20th Oct 2014

I have for many years felt I didn't fit in. I would push people away and was not the person I would want to be.

In my heart I wanted to be a caring compassionate human being and most of the time I was. I gave to charity, even sponsored a child in the Dominican Republic. I helped people around me but somehow in my private life I would say the wrong thing or take offense as the wrong time.

When I look back on it I had been doing that for many years.

Then came my first crisis. The pressure of work had been building for some time but I had coped. (Stayed strong for too long as they say). I snapped and blew up like a volcano in my office. I had before lost it a bit but never like this and the pent up frustrations metamorphosed into a fury. I considered suicide when driving home past a river. All I had to do was turn the wheel and the pain would be over. But I had a partner and I simply could not put her through that pain. In effect she saved my life

Once I settled down I realised I needed to get help. I went to my doctor who signed my off for 3 months. The NHS were not great but I found my GP was good and the drugs helped me settle down and get focus. Then I discovered meditation and that for me was a turning point.

I guess the point of writing this is to say I was depressed for many years without ever really knowing what it was. I just thought I was a bad person and judged everything I did to a standard that was simply unobtainable. That didn't stop me doing it though. Although many get depression when young it can be there for many years before you know what is happening to you. I was 50 before I realised and got help

When I judged myself like that I judged all around me to the same unobtainable standards and so pushed them away as fools (They were not of course).

I have used a combination of drugs and Mindfulness to control my depression and I have had one further major incident since. That took less time to get under control and i learnt from it that I still need to be aware of the possibility of it's return at any time. But I am aware now and my life has improved. I no longer judge myself so harshly and I therefore do not judge those around me. Learning to like myself has enabled me to like others more. It is good to listen to others and be able to share their thought and experiences without predudice.

I live with the knowledge that I have depression in my life but that knowledge has helped me to find a strategy that lets me live my life more as I want to.

You are never too old to find that in your life. We can all silence the monkey mind and find peace in the end.

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