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Introduction to a friend of mine
Posted by
3rd Oct 2014

Depression sufferer and triber Alexandra, who describes herself as a 'full-time basket case, part-time human', would like to introduce you to someone: her 'brain devil', Dick, who whispers negative thoughts in her ear. 

Evening all,

Now I don't know if it is because I'm tired or have been sober for a few days, but my ability to ignore my most faithful companion has been decreasing dramatically.

This guy - let's call him Dick - lives in my brain and provides a constant opinion of what is going on. If he thinks I'm wrong, he will let me know no matter how great I'm feeling. Today has been a perfect example: I was at work for double pay, via a five-mile bike ride, and it's quiet. I am delighted by this, as the less i hear about damage to houses all over the country, the better. So i carry on with my day's work and, by the end, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself - one of my most productive days ever. However, 20 minutes later, my head is in the gutter, thinking how rubbish I really am. I know this makes no sense, but when does it ever?

Yes, I'm not in a great mood, but it has been building. Dick really is my brain devil. He is quite clever, very manipulating and controlling. If I have the slightest doubt, Dick will multiply it a thousand times until I am convinced I am not good enough and really shouldn't be here. He tells me to accept the pain as I deserve it and really should just be used to it by now. I fight this but he is stronger than me.

Why can't i just tell him to go jump off a cliff, like he tells me? Don't worry, I have no intention of doing this; thankfully I have built up some resistance to his sneaky ways. I try to resist his irresistible charm. He just knows me too well. He knows I hate to fail. He knows I hate myself.

But what he doesn't know is that I am determined to change, and what he doesn't want is for me to be honest. I have played Dick's games for far too long. I AM REBELLING. Maybe it is time to be honest, maybe it will help:

A deep breath, big panic and glass of wine (now not sober!) later...

One of my counsellors once said, and I quote, "I know you like to sit with the negative, but..." - there is no 'but', the negative makes it easier not to expect. The negative makes it easier to accept that when I look in the mirror, it's normal to want to chop my head off. And while it's horrible to have a massive fear of failure, it you don't set yourself up, you can't fall down, leading to dead end central!

To be really honest, it's not Dick's fault at all - it's mine. I start to think I am back to coping and I am okay (compared with shitty and f***ing miserable, which is my baseline) so i stop taking my meds (six weeks now, not good I know). The result is this blog, meaning I have lost a small battle. On a better note, I will not lose the war.

And to be really, really honest, I think it's worst when you know what you should be doing to win the war, but you can't quite get there.

Well wasn't that a bit of a dizzying experience from one extreme to the other? I would like to end this on a positive note: if the devil's workshop is an idle mind, I really have no problem!

Thanks guys for reading this shit, take care, love to all

x LuckyA247 x

Read more from Alexandra on her blog.

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