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Thoughts and feelings
Posted by BlackDogTribe
22nd Sep 2014

Triber Jon writes about his initial diagnosis of depression and gives us a glimpse at what it is like to live with this mental illness.

This could go on for a while and will probably make little sense???

It is my guess that people who know me will be surprised at some of this stuff. Recently the same person has said to me twice “you don’t looked depressed”. The guy who said it meant no harm by it, in fact I think he meant it as a sort of compliment, but it does make me think what does someone with depression / mental illness look like?

I was diagnosed with depression when I was about 18. I think initially I was embarrassed and ashamed for having depression, but for a long time now I have been open about depression and my alcoholism. I think I hoped being open might help other people and also take the pressure of me.

I say I have been open but only on the surface; what I mean by this is I could be having a laugh and a joke with you at work but inside I hated myself. One guy fairly recently at work said to me “I’ve never met anyone who slates themselves as much as you do”. We laughed it off, but I knew this was the real me coming to the surface - fighting with the “Jon” who people see.

There is a lot of acting when you are depressed and it is very tiring being something you are not on the outside and something you are on the inside. It is a huge battle, and I think finally this battle destroyed me. Now I can act like “Jon” for only very small periods of time before it makes me feel like I’m going mad.

My uncle John used to say when he was really down “that the way we saw him at that moment was the truth and that everything else is play acting”. I am sure there will be a lot of people that understand this.

I accepted my depression a long time ago. I accepted that I would probably have to take pills for the rest of my life and I tried to keep going. I accepted that on the outside life looked good but on the inside life was f**king miserable and pointless. I had my ups and downs and always got over the downs. That is until June this year; I couldn’t fight it anymore, I had now had a down that I couldn’t beat. The silly thing is that it was something very small that pushed me over the edge. My company car had a light bulb out and a tyre that needed changing, all I had to do was make a phone call and drive down the road from work about 2 miles and get it done, but it just blew my mind!!!!!

I’ve gone on more than I had planned so I am going to finish with a list of thoughts and feelings: –

  • Suicidal Thoughts – They are real and they are painful!
  • Buzzing in the head that leads to crippling lows that make me unable to move
  • Child like, Unmanly, no control
  • Useless, pathetic, pointless, waste of a life, waste of a human being
  • Very poor concentration
  • Very poor motivation
  • Things I used to enjoy no longer interest me
  • Everything I do is crap – In July/August my camera pretty much kept me sane, I cant pick it up now because every picture I take is crap and I don’t understand the settings and how to fix problems.
  • Very little energy – a month a go I could only do 8 press ups :(, I started doing them on a regular basis and got up to being able to do 25 :). I haven’t done any for a couple of weeks because I just cant find the energy or motivation to do them, pathetic!!
  • A thousand thoughts running through my head but I don’t know what any of them are and I cant control them
  • “Normal” life is over
  • I want to be in hospital
  • I’m never going to have another meaningful relationship
  • Do I hear voices or are they just my thoughts

I cant think of anymore at the moment, it has taken over an hour and a half to write this and my concentration has gone!! I hope some of this makes sense, I am now fighting the “this is sh*t thoughts, just delete it, no-one is interested” but if it is sh*t who cares, it's just my thoughts as they are now, tomorrow they will probably be different anyway.

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Keep Smiling :)

If you'd like to read more of Jon's writing, please visit his blog and follow him on Twitter @exboozehound.

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