Hello. My name is Crazy Flowers
Posted by Mrsflowers
19th Sep 2014

... Well, it's not really, but that's what I'm calling myself here.
I'll skim through the first bit, spoilt as a child, then a sibling of mine tragically died, I was ten, he was a little older. I had other brothers and sisters, all older, they went off the rails when Max* died. Eldest brother Richard turning to alcohol, drugs, and a rock and roll lifestyle, eldest sister, Ruth, turning also to drugs (class A) and my other brother Will getting into trouble at school, and fighting, having lost his idol, his best friend. My other sister, Bonnie, she was 16, and she cared for me, although it was illegal and I should have had an over 18 year old as my guardian, there wasn't one, but Ruth signed the papers as though pretending to be my main carer, when it really was Bonnie.
At school, I was touchy, took a lot to heart, thought people didn't like me, yet was still popular. I gained two best friends, Gemma and Amber. I always felt like picked on me, but they never really, but if they said a joke as though to wind me up (which I did back, sometimes two of us did to one, so it was even) I always took it to heart, even cried and ran off.
When teachers told me off, I laughed, sometimes I put a front on and pretending to be cocky, hard, but ther times I was so angry and had experienced a lot I would just tell them to f*ck off and not in the mood, furthermore, I was expelled from school.
I had a relationship at 16, he cheated and hit me, and bullied me, even after we broke up, he got girls to cyber bully me. I got into another, I settled down, I had two babies. I was a perfect house wife. One day after 5 years he left us, Les, his name was. He told me he was gay. I told him I would support him, he still left. He later told me it was me, he wasn't gay, he lied, it was just me who he didn't like but didn't know how to say it, (depakote me finding gay porn on our internet bill). I was heartbroken, and when is found out he was with a new girl with 2 sons like we had, I went off the rails. I started taking drugs, and drinking. That's when my life really turned upside down. I had self harmed before this, I had always been a bit crazy. At school I burnt a band members initial into my arms. At by the time I had kids I had plenty of tattoos and piercings. (Missed that bit out sorry, but I tent to do that a lot, trail off, many different thought tracts.)
Anyway. I got over him eventually, even though I swore I never would, broke down in the middle of asda, literally cried on the floor in front of the doctor asking him to sedate me, end of my world.
I never got back to normal, the perfect girl I was, clean house, happy babies, payed bills. I found myself in a lump of debt, messy house and no structure or routine.
I had done several college courses but had either been kicked out or had dropped out myself, conflicting constantly with the tutors. Always had been a dare devil, would do any dare, go on any roller coaster, thrill seeker.
I met a boy when I was 21, the love of my life, so far, Peter. I was swept of my feet, no one moved me like he did. He truly set my world on fire, shone the most vivid of lights. He still makes my throat feel all strange now when I think of him, the type of feeling you get when a puppy licks your face (weird I know.)
We had a whirlwind romance that lasted 4 years. Between those years, we laughed, cried, screamed, sobbed, fought, the usual, but the passion we had, in love and in hate, was the fiercest it came. We clashed so much, were so similar yet so different. He told me what it was to cry, and I'm sure I did him.
During our blazing rows, I drove on the wrong side of the road, threatened to kill myself, took overdoses, begged him to stay, screamed, sent him pictures of my face sad, or crying. (I know I'm not normal, but that's why I'm here). I never got on with his family, but then again, I didn't get on with 80% of the people I met. I always felt like an outcast, on the brink of tears.we ended recently. I know I hurt him but he doesn't realise how much he did me too. He really doesnt. I don't press on why I hurt him, I just accept it all and take the blame, I'm scared of his reaction if I say again the reason why I did what I did was cos of something he did.
so that leaves me here. Heartbroken, not getting any younger, two children (beautiful, aye) Bruno and Ronnie, and feel at my most mental. So angry, so agitated. If the kids come near me sometimes I feel like lashing out, if they tickle me and I don't want to be, I can snap. I hate it. I stay up really late and this leaves me tired but as soon as the night hits the ground it's like a switch goes on inside my head, fear, anxiety. I'm at college, I think the tutors don't like me. I hate being there. I think they know I'm not normal. I told the girls (2 girls I met in class) how I felt about the tutor, they gave me nice advice, but I know they're only thinking "she's nuts."
I felt like walking out of class today. Close to tears. Because he forgot to mention me again, 3rd time he has done it, asked everyone a question but let me out, or ignored me when I spoke out loud, as though I am invisible. I was dying to say, what is your fucking problem? But I'm so glad I never, u would have made a right show of myself! Plus the tutor was much nicer to me after lunch! Don't know whether or not that was cos he could see I was really upset.
In the class a boy, Tom, got nervous speaking loud, but he's lovely and I have spoken to him a few times, n he said "the car said..." But meant I say and the car drove, and I joked and said choo choo. This tutor looked at me although I was picking on Tom, or so that's how it seemed.
I felt bad.
I wanted to apologised over and over, but I never. Which is news for me. I usually apologise constantly. I must appear such a fragile tw*t. My mum came round earlier. She was 5 minutes later and I text her saying we have been waiting and she is a let down. She isn't, she's lovely. Why do I do this? What is wrong with me?
I'm confused over my meds. I don't take them properly. I have memory problems. :(
I'm truly at rock bottom. All I do is cry or be angry. I don't have time to chill or just sit and be happy. It's always work work work, or anxiety anxiety anxiety.
I rang my psychiatrist today and booked an app, well got it brought forward. I need help.oh and did I mention I tried CBT but was told i m too complex, this was 8 months ago so I tried again with a more experienced doc and she said the same. I'm a hopeless case. I don't eat steadily, either don't eat or binge eat, I smoke ten cigarettes a day, 20 if I'm stressed. I drink every now and then but nothing major. I just feel like my mind is going, I am so paranoid, at the school I see the other mums so confident, I am scared to approach many, and when I do if I have to, I feel bad for ages thinking did I say something wrong?
I am very defensive and seem to struggle I maintain any relationship, and conflict most with those in authority. Can't keep a routine within home life. And don't clean and sometimes sleep in my clothes and wear them again.
I don't know if anyone will read this, but if you do, please comment, anything sane, anything insane, all is welcome.
Thanks for reading.
Mz Flowers x

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