Me and Anxiety and everything that goes with it
Posted by CallieLucy
10th Sep 2014

This is new to me. I've never been so open or hoe st. But I'm going to say it all.
I am 31 years old. Since I can remember I have been a nervous person, i was that child at school who cried on the first day back of term, the child that said nothing in class in the hope nobody would no I was there. When I was 18 I had a complete breakdown. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't sleep, I felt sick, I was scared to go out, I lost all contact with friends. My doctor out me on anti-depressants and I was sent from pillar to post seeing various mental health professionals. None helped, I was given CBT, I was given counselling, group Thearpy and art Thearpy. But no one seem to help. As I've got older I've begun to understand my anxiety and depression. I see and am beginning to understand why I behaviour the way I do. I understand better now my anxiety and depression triggers. But I've still got to learn so much, I still panic, I still fret over the 'what ifs', I still cry myself to sleep. I need to learn how to relax and hold on to the fact that these are only feelings, that's all, only feelings they will pass.

When I was 10 my mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I remember the day she told me what was wrong with her, why she couldn't walk. All I could think of was 'is she going to die?' - no she reassured me. Since then I've cared for her as her MS has very slowly deteriorated. She's in a wheelchair now all the time, her memory isn't good but I'm so thankful daily that she's still my mum. Things where never good at home before mum's diagnosis, my father was an alcoholic and most nights he would go out drinking and return and start shouting at us. He was horrible. He used to take the light bulbs out of the lights so we had to sit in the dark, cut the TV plug of the TV so we couldn't watch TV, raid our piggy banks for pennies to buy drink and threaten us (myself and my brother) daily he would put us in a home and that we were a mistake. We never had a lot to eat as most of the household income went on my fathers drink. Sometimes my mum, my younger brother and I would flee the house in the middle night and seek sanctuary at my Nan's as my father's temper escalated and he grew violent. It got to the point we had to call the police as he would smack us, kick us. My mother finally, after years of abused and newly diagnosed with MS, plucked up the courage and chucked him out. She got an injunction and he was forced out. After a year they were divorced and he'd disappeared. I haven't seen him since, though I know he's alive and living in Tunbridge Wells so he can't be doing too bad for himself. Not long after that mum got cancer, I was coming up to my GCSES. It was a few days before Christmas when she went into hospital for tests and a blood transfusion. That Christmas was awful. She was operated on in January and thank god the cancer hadn't spread, after 6 months of chemo she was all clear.
I left school at 17 not knowing what I wanted to really do. I worked at Woolworths at the time and was resting some GCSES at college. Then near my 18th birthday I started having panic attacks. They got so bad. My world collapsed soon after, I withdrew. About six years ago now I plucked up the courage and reseat my English and maths GCSES at an Adult Education college. I loved it soooo much. After that I did an A Level. I'd never got the chance at school as I hadn't done well in my school GCSES and wasn't given the chance to re-sit or do A levels. I began doing a few courses with the Open University as I was really enjoying study and it was giving my some confidence back. On a whim I decided to apply to my nearest university in 2010. To my utter surprise they accepted me. God I was so terrified that first day at uni, I kept thinking someone is going to come up to me any minute and tell me I'm not meant to be here, there's been a mistake your pace was meant for someone else. But nobody did and I graduated in 2013 with a First Class Honours degree in History. I was so surprised.
Today I'm still suffering with anxiety and depression. At the moment it's a bit of a bad patch - I'm worrying and fretting over something I know I don't need to it's just nobody has told my brain that. I get the tummy cramps, the pounding heart and sweaty hands. I get trembly and very teary. I convince myself I'm going to fail, I'm going to get the sack from my job, I'm going to make a fool of myself and i often find myself wandering down that 'what if' path. I think I understand myself a bit better now, there's still much to do. I'm scared of everything most of the time I often run of to the toilets at work or at a fried s house or even on a rare night out and cry. A few months ago I actually began to tell people about how I felt, what I was scared of. I still feel very nervous to do so incase they think bad if me but I'm slowly getting there.
It's just sometimes I still need that comforting hand on the shoulder telling me I'm not mad, I'm not going mad, I'm going to be okay.

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