Trapped in the past
Posted by Daisy Duke
27th Aug 2014

Since my beautiful daughter turned 11 I have been battling the past. It triggered something in my brain that has caused me so much pain and turmoil. Other events that coincided with this such as my mother leaving her husband, meeting someone else and leaving us, mirrored my own childhood. Feelings of other peoples bitterness, loss and abandonment, it all took me back in time to a place of pain and despair, a sickness inside my innards. It's difficult to explain but it feels like I need to be sick, to expel whatever it is that I can feel inside me, as if my pain is a living organism.

I am living a dual life, my own - simple, happy and calm but along side is pain, memories, vivid flashbacks like a video of my past playing along side me. It is relentless. It is so tiring. Not even sleep can give release as I have vivid dreams and nightmares of the past.

I have distanced myself from my family because the pain of my memories hightens when I see them. I see monsters, not people. I feel sick with pain. Pain that they caused by not noticing me, not caring enough about me to STOP what they were doing. Why did they not see me, why did they not know how much pain they were causing me? They made me feel ugly - twisted in some way. They made me feel vulnerable, exposed, like evil was looking at me through their eyes and smiling at me, smug, as if they were imposters. I felt naked, exposed for all to see, I gave myself to them, my whole self, and they rejected me.

And now it is me that makes THEM feel sad. I am to blame, I am the one who is wrong, I am the one who is terrible and selfish from preventing them from being in my life.

No wonder I am in a muddle, trying to process all these feelings, all the pain, past memories that I feel should be unimportant that are jumping up and down in the forefront of my mind yelling 'HELLO LOOK AT ME I'M HERE YOU CANT IGNORE ME I'M HERE I'M HERE'.

My daughter, bless her heart, is 14 now. She and my husband are the lights in my life that keep me seeing in the dark. And a good friend at work called Curly.

Three years of fighting this video playing through my head. Fighting to get over it, fighting for treatment, fighting to ease the pain, to understand the pain, why it's here now and not back where it should be.

I know it's PTSD, I KNOW WHAT IT IS, noone needs to tell me. I don't need a counsellour or psychologist to sit and judge me. I am 41 years old and have had treatment for major depression on and off for 20 years. So no I do not need to be re-re-re-referred for the hundreth time to be judged and patronised. What I need is for you to listen to me because I KNOW.

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