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My world of anxiety
Posted by vikkibubz
13th Aug 2014

THE BEGINNING -

I was 14 years old when I realised I was looking and dealing with the world a lot differently then other children my age, for a start I was in a serious sexual relationship that destroyed any ounce of childhood I had, I was dealing with emotional problems and mental torture that an adult should be dealing with and not a child. I became so dependant on a person that I lost all sense of who I was and what I actually liked. This person was a monster and put me through hell up until the age of 18, and from the age of 14 to 18 I started having severe panic attacks and self harming and also starving myself or forcing myself to throw up, this also resulted in me not finishing school as I couldn't even leave my house, and also smoking a lot of drugs.
At the age of 18 I finally left this person and that's when my life truly began.
That was also when I had my first mental breakdown and my first real diagnosis of Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder and Separation Disorder.
-I shaved my hair during my breakdown and also considered taking my own life twice, I did not like the person I was from the age of 18-20 purely because I was completely off the rails and my behaviour looking back on it now disgusts me and upsets me so much that it brings on serious anxiety attacks because I know I cant go back and change who I was and I know that my behaviour has imprinted on peoples minds and lives so much.I also had a very serious bout of depression when I was 19 and I would go days and days without even leaving the house or getting washed or moving, I was completely dead inside at that point.
I did not know how to be alone, or cope on my own.
I remember ripping all the furniture out of my room and throwing my bed away and I built a tipi and lived in it for 6 months, Inside that tipi I had some of the most terrifying thoughts and anxiety attacks during the night, One night I though I had actually lost my mind and was punching myself repeatedly all over my body just screaming and biting my pillow
To be honest most nights were like that.

I was 20yrs old when I ended up in a homeless shelter for young adults, I had reached a point in my life where I had an amazing social life, my own flat and also gained some independence...
and then I lost it all.
I'd lost my job due to having severe attacks and constantly ringing in sick, which resulted in me losing my flat, and a broken relationship with a close friend.
But it was at this dark time someone came into my life who later became my everything, My brother and his female friend and her boyfriend once visited me whilst I was still living in my flat, I instantly had a connection with this man, she knew..I knew and he knew. Their relationship came to an end as they had only been together a couple of months and it wasn't getting serious, and we instantly became inseparable friends or a good 6 months, well it was more then friends on his behalf. I refused to get attached in a romantic way because any man I had been involved with up to this point had never been serious as I refused to put myself and my anxiety into a life threatening situation like I did when I was younger.
But then this man found me after I took my overdose, This man lay in the hospital bed with me all night, This man saved me every single night I lost my mind.
Then we kissed...and I knew me and my anxiety were screwed.

Im 22 years old now and I'm very much in love with this man and we have been in a serious, committed relationship since that moment, we are also currently living together.
And my anxiety is at its worst sometimes, My perception of a relationship is so messed up that I put this man through hell with my paranoia and trust issues and severe lack of self esteem, and he doesn't deserve any of it but he completely understands my condition and why I am the way I am.

My anxiety keeps me up at night at the moment and I have developed really bad insomnia, I also wake up with the most crippling chest pains and feeling of impending doom, I cannot control my anxiety, neither can all the prescription medications I've been on throughout the years, I also couldn't bring myself to carry on therapy as I would just lie to her about the real reasons I get so ill with my anxiety.
I am clean off all drugs though now after a year addicted to codeine, I also have stopped smoking and haven't smoked weed for a long time, I don't believe in numbing the pain any more, I embrace it and live through it, whether that means crying till 6am, scratching or pulling out hair or walking the streets till 5am..I get through it, without any major harm.
I can sleep almost comfortably when he's in bed with me, but my separation anxiety kicks in and ruins me if ever he works late or is visiting friends, that's when it hurts me most.

I am now in a stable job as a support worker and work is my happy place, Those people need me and I need them and its so rewarding and the people I support make me so happy.

I hope anyone reads this gets some sort of comfort out of anything I've been through, I have left a lot of details out as Im not ready to fully share everything that I have been through.But I do know I am still alive and I no longer want to die because I want a future with the love of my life, I can see beauty in the world now and I want to travel and experience its beauty.

That doesn't mean Im better though, I struggle with my obsessive thoughts from the second I wake up to the second I sleep, I have chest pains and nausea most days and I have anxiety attacks still about 4 times a week, I cannot sleep on my own and that is my next step, I will get to that point of being ok on my own one day.

Embrace your anxiety, Live it. It is a massive part of who you are.

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