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Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition
Posted by pollyperkins
29th Jul 2014


When you live with something every day, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s easier to deal with, more like it’s there and you get on, well you try to get on.
At the mo, I’m in a course of CBT sessions. If you’ve had any of these, you’ll know how draining they are; facing the things that caused you to be here in the first place is hard. The last few sessions have been gut wrenching, talking through feelings why I felt them, could I have done things differently, could there have been a different outcome, etc. I so aware that some people have found it tremendously difficult to be with me, and I have found it tremendously difficult to face the fact that people are not always what they seem to be. Trying to understand why people react to a similar situation in such a diverse way gets to me. You see a situation happen and you think “it’s ok, I’ covered” is totally thrown on its head when you realise it’s not going to apply to you. The weight of sorting it out is yours and yours alone, albeit a few that can see what needs to be done, who empathise and do their best to give you good and honest advice.

So what do you do when you’re let down? What do you do when a support structure is deemed not right for you? When you’re seen as “different” “emotional” “needy” even though you never set out to be this but circumstances have dictated otherwise? You’re forced into a corner and no matter how much you try and barter with those who hold you there, they won’t be budged. And then there’s the hurt you feel when you see what’s happened to someone else, and believe that care will be there for you but all you hear, second hand is “can’t support them anymore than we already are” Sorry? You were supporting me? I may have been out of the room when this happened, but its news to me. You do the right thing, because you know that it needs to be done; you stick by others because you see the injustice of it all. But when no-one defends you, when only those who you confide in say how sorry they are, when those you thought you knew don’t, in your presence, stand up for you, how are you supposed to feel? Is it any wonder that you become emotionally weak, vulnerable. And then you hear that you’ve been very emotional, that it’s had an effect on your work. Really? No £$%” You put anyone in that constant barrage of stupidity, narrow mindedness, pettiness, childish behaviour and voila you feel sick, anxious, constant checking to see other people’s reactions to you, withdrawing into yourself, “shutting down”, retreating into the smallest corner you can find in yourself so that no further damage can be done.

You’re hit in the face with stuff no-one has the guts to say to you but are more than happy to say behind your back, no honesty, no “let’s go and have a coffee and a chat” Yes, I get it that everyone deals with rubbish on a daily basis but let me map it out for . The situation I was in (and there will be those of you out there who are exactly the same) got to the point where communication had broken down, where people were tired and dazed by previous events, where emotions were already battered , where people were unsupported and not listened to, where people went behind others backs. Now throw into this a derisory comment and watch it explode. “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition” I certainly didn’t when I said that I wasn’t happy about what was said to me. I think the idea was that I should put up with it, suck it up, and put up with daily bullying
All that was needed was an apology. That’s all. It’s so simple yet so difficult for so many people to say they’re sorry. Sorry that they spoke out of anger, out of hurt, frustration, worry. No, there comes a point of no return, where to apologise would assume blame; it would be much easier to turn it around again, make the victim the one who just “isn’t right” “too emotional” where they criticise your work ethic, saying that your work isn’t up to its usual standard. And all because of a lack of an apology. You can’t be there, it makes you feel sick, watching how people ignore you, “unfriend” you because they have decided that you’re to blame.
Just think how you would feel. If this were you. When you asked something in all innocence, only because it needed to be said. You’re the one to voice how others feel, yet when you say it, out loud, they back away; they can’t believe you’ve said that. But it’s been other people’s thinking, so why shouldn’t it be voiced? Because. Because? Just because-you don’t do that. No, and neither do you say something deemed offensive by myself only to find there’s no-one to back you up.

Back to my current CBT session. People have put me in a place where I can’t easily deal with my mental state, where the fragile lines have cracked even more, where I can’t see the point of a day. I was asked “Could you have done anything different to deal with it?” Ummm, no “Exactly. There wasn’t anything else you could’ve done”. The safety that we find in ourselves isn’t always the best place. Our view of ourselves can be fragmented, not seeing ourselves in the positive way that others do. And the battering we receive only seeks to confirm and strengthen those weak “fault” lines. It’s strange how you can detach yourself, and I’m doing it now, as I write. I know there’s an answer, that there’s hope for my head that’s been put through the wrangler, that’s been hit and pummelled.

This wasn’t my doing, it was the doing of those who chose to use me as a vent for their own frustrations, their own anger. I’ve been “gubbed” but this isn’t the end. It’s only the beginning.

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