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Another day where I bounced back
Posted by AliceRitaK
26th Jun 2014

Today was a good day, I was thinking straight and life didn't get to me today

Yesterday was a different story and I struggled, I was full of anxiety, had trouble breathing straight, felt like I wanted to run at work, thought people were talking about how different I am.

Yesterday I was glad to get in the car and head home. I turned into the road to find it blocked by a van.

I started off fairly calm, but the guy would't move and voices were raised, he had his daughter with him so I wasn't keen to escalate so backed, backed into the side wall, got indoors and cried.

Fortunately I've learnt to put safety nets around my physical self and my soul self. I had an old school friend coming to dinner. I am recently divorced after 28 years of marriage to a recovering alcoholic, depressive who has been sober and in AA for many years. My financial situation is dire but I have refound my desire for life.

I have a diagnosis of anxiety and depression and received help in The Priory in 2007. I cannot believe it's 7years. I was suicidal then and your blog and explanation here mirrors what had happened to me. It's a relief to hear it in a way to know that I am and was not a bad and attention seeking person.

I can imagine that family and loved ones are important at these times. Mine withdrew. My mother died while I was there or maybe just before I went in. I cannot remember. The whole episode is a jumble to me and I feel tired when I think of it. But that was in the past and it's not happening now.

My family has a history of depression and attempted suicide so it's in the genes to some degree. That and traumatic child and adult hoods. Nothing too horrendous I don't think, mostly emotional stuff but it did its damage.

I am grateful I found the help that I did, with meds, talking therapy, a fabulously cheeky dog called Jack and good solid friendships from my school days. I at least learnt to separate past from present and that has been a Godsend.

At my worst I could not go into a supermarket, that took me almost a year to do. I've been recovering for 7 years or more and it's like learning my building bricks, my knowledge, my habits all over again. I forgot who I was.

I'm pleased my outcome is continuing to be positive. It isn't easy and days still catch me sideways sometimes. But I know it won't last for a long time, not like it used to.

CBT and a good Psychiatrist, 12 step groups all helped. When I feel I cannot control my anxiety I used meditation from BDT and get my yoga mat out. Ways to train my brain to tell itself I can rather than I can't

I don't live my life in fear now, I don't want to walk into the Thames and drift off like a heroine in a pre-Raphaelite painting. I live in reality. I know the water will be cold and dirty and will pull me under and drag me swirling into its depths. I have people and treatments that help me and I am grateful for them. They have helped me turn my life around.

If I feel overwhelmed I remind myself that God didn't save me from drowning to have me die on the beach.
It's a powerful metaphor.

I hope this helps. Today was a good day. I hope tomorrow will be too.

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