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Struggling
Posted by Bookworm97
12th May 2014

Hello,

I've never used this website before but I have read through a few stories and found that I really relate to them, so I thought I'd give this a go.

I'm 16 years old and I am struggling with depression. I know this seems a very young age to have such an illness but it's been going on for a whole now, and I wish it wasn't. It all began because of being let down by a close friend, which caused me to become very upset. On top of this issue, I was revising for my GCSEs at the time, and I have been known to put myself under too much stress and pressure, which of course I did, causing me to become suicidal very soon. Since this time, a year and a half ago, I have seen 4 counsellors and 2 different types of anti depressants, and nothing seems to stop those bad thoughts taking over and killing me. Now that time has come back around for my AS level exams and I feel the same all over again. I become so tresses from exams and pressure and I can't stand it because I can't see a way out.
I have never understood why I suffer from this condition, because I've never felt like I have deserved it. I have never experienced any tragic events in my life that could lead up to this point, which has always made me feel pathetic and unworthy. I have a loving family and boyfriend who always support me, but never quite understand, as hard as they do try. Despite this support group, I feel constantly alone. I always feel like I am standing in a crowded room, screaming, and no one can hear, as if I'm not even there.

I am also constantly tired and in pain due to a back injury, which really doesn't help matters.
A feeling I hate having is the urge to hurt myself. At first, I never self-harmed, because I never saw the point in it, and then I became influenced by a friend unintentionally, and found it didn't help, but became almost an addiction. I have now stopped because as I first thought, it does not help anything. I still get huge urges to hurt myself and find that is the worst part, because I end up wanting to tear my hair out, even for having those urges, which has recently led to very bad thoughts and feelings.

The thing I hate most about this condition is the way it makes me hate everything. I have ended up hating most people I was close to and hating everything I see and becoming very angry and anxious.

I am fully aware that I am not the only person suffering from this, as it is not a rare condition, but I still dont feel remotely normal.

Overall, life is very difficult. I'm not expecting any replies to this, it just feels good to type it. Thank you to anyone who takes time to listen my (shortened) story.




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