Am I the only one with a depressed partner?
Posted by Loving-Partner
10th Apr 2014

Me and my partner are in our early 30s. We've been together for 5 years. He suffered with chronic depression and anxiety then, on and off. I saw his true self beyond the illness and fell in love with his kind heart, sweet nature, common interests and good looks. ;) A few years later we had a baby. That baby is now a beautiful attention-seeking, tantrum-throwing, independence-challenging, clever, beautiful and funny two year old boy.

My partner's depression. Put it this way... he's asleep right now. He thought he'd be ready to go back to work. He really wanted to. He thought that'd be the cure. He's not worked for about a year and a half. A couple days ago he went for a job interview. I was so proud of him! Job interviews aren't easy to come by these days. He cut his long hair into a short, smart style and had a shave and scrubbed up well. But he was so nervous, he said he saw white spots and almost had a panic attack in the interview room. Anyway.... that's the situation right now, as well as him feeling pangs of guilt because now he feels he doesn't even want the job. I tell him, do what feels right. If it's causing you so much distress.... it's obviously not for you. So now he's thinking part-time, maybe volunteering, rather than throwing himself into a full-time job with long commute after so much time at home.

Time at home... it's not helping, these four walls. He needs to get out. He's always saying how much he loves nature, wants to do this and that and wants to get fit, join a gym etc.... of course I understand his lack of motivation and desire for anything... I've seen the signs now for long enough to know now, it probably won't happen, but to encourage him nevertheless.

I try so much to be positive. I try to do things for myself. I go to college full-time and have had to miss time there because he has needed me. I don't resent him for it. But sometimes it's so frustrating having no one to talk to. Our son goes to nursery when I go to college. But if our son is poorly, and my partner is ill (mentally) on the same day... well, I stay home. It's half-term right now. We've had lots of plans to start potty-training and to clear out the loft. Nothing has started yet.

His lack of drive and low mood is sometimes catching. It rubs off on me and I sit and feel so incredibly low, and full of self-pity and low self-worth, like I've lost who I am, lost my fun and loving partner and I start to take things personally. As he finds it hard to care for himself never mind anyone else. Sex-life has been pretty much non-exsistent since before I was pregnant (when it was pretty good!! ;) ). An sometimes I feel like, I don't want to shower either. I don't want to leave the house either. I don't want to get up either. I don't want to see anyone either. I don't want to cook/clean/play with our son either. But I have to. I'm not the depressed one. And it's so hard to not feel guilty if I get angry or frustrated. It's hard not to get annoyed, but still I smile and listen and just love him. I can't help but love him. I know who he is underneath the depression. I know it's not really him.

But who can I vent to? Our families and friends *think* they understand. And although they care, they really don't understand. They can say goodbye and get on with it. My partner sometimes suggests ending our relationship when he see's how much I'm struggling. And sometimes I think YES!! But my heart won't let me. Sometimes I feel like I have to choose to love him or me. And we have a son! I have to ensure he is happy and well before anyone else in our home.

Anyway, this is how I've ended up here... Googling for a friend. Someone to understand. We don't have friends anymore. My mum recently gave me her old hostess trolley. I always wanted it for all the dinner parties I would host. So I was so happy when I go it. We don't even have room for it! And then I remembered... what dinner parties?! My friends left me when I ignored their advice and got into this relationship, more left when I had his child. He's my only friend now. It's a good job we can make each other laugh. There's still that.

I'm ranting now... and I still haven't even said half of the story. But you probably know it anyway. And maybe there's someone out there like me who wants someone to vent to, cry to and pick yourself up with. If you exist, swing by my way. I need you. And maybe you need me too. <3

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