One Last Blog
Posted by dirkgently1066
27th Mar 2014

I like writing blogs. They are a useful tool as an emotional outlet, allowing me to explore thoughts and feelings that would otherwise be stuck in my head, helping anger, frustration, guilt, shame and all their other cronies to gang up and kick the crap out of me.

But something happened. Somewhere along the way, my blog writing went in a different direction. Instead of being a therapeutic tool, they became a whine. Instead of emotional outletting, they became an excuse to wallow in self pity. They had become a cry for attention.

And so this is the last blog I shall write, at least for a while. I want to get back to a method of writing that aids my recovery from mental illness, rather than becoming another tool to exacerbate it. And so I will return to fiction, using the lessons I have learnt as metaphors to explore thoughts and feelings.

I wrote in another piece ( how each of us must choose. And so it is that I face a choice. I can take the blue pill and continue as I am; feeling angry, sad and bitter, putting on weight, changing nothing and feeling sorry for myself.

Or I can take the red pill and follow my own advice (

1. Be kind to yourself.
It has been a pretty rough year all told. I think I am allowed to feel a bit fragile every now and then. We all (hopefully) live to a ripe old age, so taking 18-24 months to sort yourself out for the long haul is a pretty reasonable investment.

2. Anger is a healthy emotion.
It is okay to feel happy, it is okay to feel sad. It sensible to be fearful sometimes and it is a part of life to feel angry. I allowed myself to bottle it up again. If it can't get out, it can only stay in.

3. If it feels wrong it must be right.
It feels wrong to have ambitions to be a published author. I don't think I am good enough, I don't think anyone would want to buy it, what's the point? Because life is a journey. The point is in the doing.

4. No change, no change.
Or to put it another way, if you keep doing the same things, you will keep getting the same results. Oh boy, this is the big one for me. I want to lose weight. I want to be published. I want a nice tidy house. I want to be happy. I can have all of these things, but they will only come by doing things differently. It is a choice.

5. 'No' is a complete sentence.
Ultimately this comes down to being assertive. Not just with others but also with ourselves. Life is about choices. I can choose the packet of crisps or I can choose the apple. I can choose to take the car or I can choose to walk. I can choose to express myself to those who care or I can choose to wallow in self pity. I am saying 'no' to depression, 'no' to anxiety, 'no' to self doubt and self pity.

Our lives are our own. Our choices are our own.

I want to be happy.

I choose the red pill. I choose to change.

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