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Scattered Thoughts
Posted by dirkgently1066
23rd Mar 2014

I held off writing this blog for a few days as I wasn't in a particularly good place mentally and wanted some perspective.

There is usually a theme or a message, something I want to convey. This time, I just have some stuff in my head I need to get out...

... I am depressed. Again. There, I said it...

...It is not the same as before, I am not back at square one. If anything, it's like last time I went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson and had my hands tied behind my back. This time, I'm back in the ring with Tyson but I've had an intensive 12 week training program and my hands are ready to start swinging some big uppercuts. If only I could believe...

...I am tired. Physically, yes, not helped by staying upo too late playing Football Manager. But mentally too. I just want to be left alone. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want pick-me-ups, I don't want company. I just want to wallow...

...I just don't feel ready for the new baby. The house is a tip, the girls drive me nuts, I still don't have a permanent job, there are a million and one jobs to do and I can't be bothered with starting one, let alone finishing them all...

...Yet I know this is the illness talking, convincing me I am no good, skewing my perspective. I have the material to get me through this. It's just at the moment, I am having difficulty applying any of it...

...The job. I need a permanent job, that much is clear. But I don't really want to do this. A job is a job, I get that, but I find it so dull. The guys I work with are great, a bunch of really funny, honest people and in that sense I consider myself very lucky. But...

...Sometimes I really feel like I can't do it. I just want to tell these people, 'look, there's something you should know, I'm a little bit mental and a little bit fragile, so please be gentle. And don't expect too much of me.' But that's not the way the working world works, is it...

...I have never been someone who craves company, least of all from wider family. But with my Dad's death, I have come to consider how isolated I feel. With the exception of my own family, I am on my own. Everyone else is in Hastings. When I feel particularly low or especially dissatisfied with the job, I come to resent the life I have here. I want to go home...

...And yet I don't. What is there for me in Hastings, in a practical sense? And how would it even work? It is just a dream, a fantasy, but there are times when I would like the dream to become a reality...

...In spite of it all, if it were offered, I would take my old job back in a heartbeat. I miss the status, the familiarity, the sense of purpose. I allowed it to define me far more than I realised at the time...

...It is ironic that, having left therapy, I have faced two events that could quite easily send me there. The redundancy was hard. My Dad's death was harder. I feel exposed, fragile, uncertain. I don't know where my life is going. I don't know how I will manage when it gets there.

Despite it all, I still recognise the advances I have made. Just the very fact that I can write this, be honest with myself about how I feel is a massive step up from where I was this time last year. Like all negative thoughts,I am aware that these too shall pass with time, I will come out the other side.

In time.

http://www.1066allstars.webs.com
@Dirkgently1066

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