Death, depression and everything else inbetween.
Posted by
5th Mar 2014

I suffer from depression and anxiety which has made parts of my life very difficult to face. Even though I have had the condition since I was a teenager due to being bullied I want to concentrate on my most recent hard times.
In 2012 I decided that I wanted to make a change in my life I was basically on a university course that was not right for me and could not stand being on it anymore so I applied for Art and Design courses and got unconditional offers for 4 out of 5 of them. I took a place at a course in Leeds as it was where I was already studying. I really thought that this would be good for me and that 2012 would be my year...this was far from the reality. The month before I was due to start my new course I had my first experience of death not once but twice. The first was in my boyfriends family. His step mum and dad had been together for many years and his step mum brought my boyfriend and his brother up as her own due to their mother dying when they were still young. His dad unfortunately got diagnosed with Parkinsons and so they were told that they would never be able to have children of their own. Then in January 2012 his step mum discovered she was indeed pregnant. It was a miracle and could not have happened to a nicer couple but of course life is cruel and she lost the baby. This devastated us all I have been with my boyfriend for years now and It just crushed me seeing his family go through that after all they had been through and even now more than a year on I can not express the hole it has left. I had never been to a funeral before and did not attend the baby's as I knew I could not face the atmosphere. I thought to myself how could things get any worse and then out of nowhere they did. I can remember the day perfectly I was on my way home from Leeds festival and got a phone call from my mum she said something bad had happened and to go to my grandmas. I know everyone says this but the world just stopped and I just couldn't help thinking the worst. I thought was it my Grandma or her partner or even my great Aunt and then it hit me my Uncle and Aunty were away in Thailand on holiday I was convinced something had happened to the both of them. It was the worst feeling ever. I got home and my mum and dad were home from my Grandmas this is when they told me that my Uncle had died of a heart attack. I just couldn't believe it. The worst thing about the whole situation was that he was miles away and there was nothing we could do. I know people go through worse situations and I do feel like they would think I was over reacting but to put all of this on top of what happened to my boyfriend and my already existing illness it just destroyed me. Everything about me felt like it had been shattered which then caused even more problems. I went to my best friend for support but I don't think to this day she understood the full extent of my depression so I just tried to bottle it up and not tell my other friends about it.
Determined to carry on I started my new course at university and to this day I wish I hadn't. There was not a day when I didn't break down in tears so much so that I started not going in. I would just stay home and sleep the day away. I was living with four of my friends at the time and would just say to them that I had the day off today I do not think they had any idea that I couldn't face going into uni just incase I got upset. Also with starting a new course it put strains on the friendships I had with the people on my old course some who I even lived with. As I was drained of confidence and breaking down my best friend was become more confident and outgoing and it got to a point where I just didn't know what to say in social situations anymore and she was the one that everyone got on with. I was a weak link and of course I was cut out of the friendship group because I commented on the fact that if we were going anywhere like I night out or a party I would wait for her or any of our other friends but if I was late getting ready I would be left behind. To some extent I wish I had never said anything just to keep the peace but I was sick of being forgotten about. It also showed her true colours as her words to me where 'You are a pathetic time bomb' followed by a load of other hurtful bearing in mind this girl knew I had depression and knew that I had lost my uncle only a few months before. I always seem to befriend people who are stronger than me and end up outcasting me and there are sometimes when I do think 'I am really just a pathetic person who is so over emotional that no one can stand her'.
This obviously lead to other complications as I lived with her and two of the other housemates were on her side despite having no idea what I went through. they would have get togethers and nights out and not invite me I would just hear them all having fun while I was in my room crying my eyes out. It was awful, my uncle died, my family and my boyfriends family were in horrible situations and the people who were meant to be my friends didn't even care about me anymore. So I decided to throw myself into my uni work but I was just too far behind and had no friends on my course and in all honesty I only stayed in Leeds to be with my friends I know it sounds like the most pathetic thing on earth but I have never had many friends and for once in my life I did I could have gone to any uni any art course but I choose the closest one and I hated it! But I just tried to carry on and then once again I was faced with another family death. It was getting ridiculous now I just wanted to give up but my family already had too much stress without me then doing something stupid. Safe to say I left University and the house (even though I was still paying for it).
Also I had a part time job and this is where it gets even more worse. I had my job just so I had extra money it was only 11 hours at a supermarket chain and I just didn't care about it when all this was happening due to this I didn't turn up for shifts or ring in I was just too depressed to face it and explain to people why I had been off. However, due to leaving University early I have to pay back my grants and maintenance loans so I had to go back to work and I was far from ready to and I had to travel to Leeds every weekend from my home which took me well over an hour. I would finish at 10pm and get home almost near midnight and to top it off some members of staff were not understanding out my illness. I even had a team leader say to me 'I have had colleagues whose best friends have died and come back into work the next day' the best one was 'you have done this to yourself'. I hated the place and the travelling and the some of the people. I then lucky (well I thought it was) got transferred to my local store so no travelling and a new start. Once again I was wrong. On my 4th shift there I was left on my own with hardly no training ,as I was doing a different job to my old store, around the time of the year anniversary of my uncles death (a year on and still I was heartbroken and emotional). Of course I cried and the woman who role was the 'Peoples Manager' even though this woman should be nowhere near working with people. She was okay at first and then when she sat me down I said about my problems they weren't sympathetic but they said they would give me a week off and a new start which was fine by me. Unfortunately the next day I got a call from my old store saying that I had been transferred back because I had asked to be (which I hadn't). I was shocked and called my new store up to see what was going on. The people manager came on the phone and said that she had transfered me back as 'They did not want me here' how can someone who is meant to be the people manager say that? Its awful! I was too upset to carry on the conversation so my mum talked to her and the woman said that 'I was a mess' and 'I was upset about my uncle or something'. This woman has to be the worst of the worst the amount of stuff I have put up with in my life I have never met someone so unfeeling. I could not do anything about the situation though I rang the manager and he did not care either he sided with her I looked into going to court but could not afford or cope with the stress.
When everything seemed lost I then decided to go to back to college start a fresh get back into my artwork as at this moment in time I had not done anything I was proud of since 2010 it was now 2013. The only thing stopping me was funding but luckily I could get it for free due to being on benefits (which I had really no choice but to go on). I was so happy it was something to look forward to. But there was still the complication of my job I had one but I just couldn't go back to it. This is when things finally changed for me I got a call back off a job I had applied to weeks ago and of course I was more than happy to take it. This is not the only thing though I became an Aunty to a gorgeous baby boy and I also started talking to my boyfriends friends and made a wonderful friend at college. It was so weird everything just work out of course I still miss the loved ones I have lost and the experiences over the past two years will stay with me forever but I can finally say I feel okay. The reason I am actually writing this is because I am basing my college project on situations like the ones I have been through even though I am an emotional wreck while typing this I do feel strong enough to voice my story and hope that others can see that even though horrific things happen in life you can always get out of it and I am going to turn my bad experiences into the grade that gets me back to University as I have already got the offer I want for next year. Some people will think I am stupid for going back to uni after 2 failed attempts but this time I am doing it for myself as I am putting myself first and so what if I have got a mental health problem it is not going to stop me from getting where I want to be in life.

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