understanding anxiety
Posted by bethrb
9th Feb 2014

It's hard to believe how many things go on inside someone's head without you even knowing. For me, this has always been the case. Dealing with a drunk of a father who doesn't care and a mother who would do anything for me and my sister, life's not always been too sweet but I try not to complain.
May 10th 2012, I met my best-friend and current boyfriend, Mike. He is one of those people I can't live without, sorry for the cliche. Though, he drives me up the wall and I want to gauge out his eyes sometimes, it's just incredibly hard not to smile when I'm with him. There's so many small details about him that I love; how one eye has a small triangle missing, how he has small bald patches in his facial hair, how he can never not use a stupid voice and how he is always there for me not matter what.
May 2013 is when things got pretty low for me. For all my years, I have solemnly been attracted to men with no ifs or buts, only envy towards girls who were skinnier and prettier than I. Though, on a particularly evening after a dinner&dance with Mike, I started to worry about whether I was "a lesbian" or "in denial of my sexuality". You have to understand I had never questioned this before and the feelings of worry I experienced were like nothing I've ever had before. Generally, when I get a new 'fixation', I cannot sleep that night and have a very upset stomach. For roughly 3 months, I worried furiously on whether I was secretly gay and it was just dormant within me. I managed to pluck up the courage to tell Mike, who quite funnily now I look back, thought I was confessing of my true sexuality though I was trying to ask for help. As soon as he understood, he was there. Twenty-four seven. I found I would wake up and my mind would be straight on this fixation that stemmed from nowhere. I knew and still know I am not a lesbian. I have nothing against that lifestyle but it's not for me. I sought medical help when I went to my GP and just couldn't contain my tears, she referred me to a mental health clinic with a therapist.
In July 2013, the worst worry happened that I'm still stuck with and will not accept. I started to believe I no longer loved Mike. Again, I was up all night with my irritable bowels, sweating and crying. My relationship has been 99.9% good minus one hiccup at my hand. I just started to panic myself constantly that I no longer loved Mike and am only staying with him as he is my "safety blanket" and I'm comfortable. That I love others (male friends) who I am only friends with and think they're attractive, that I find him unattractive and irritating. It's very petty things that blow my mind off into a state of panic. The second I wake up, I feel a constant state of anxiety though not so many thoughts occur now. It's worse when I have thoughts but no anxiety as it's like I'm not worrying. I know I love Mike. I just know. Something in my head however, is telling me otherwise. When anyone tries telling me to "have a break" I just get so upset and angry. Granted, I can be a moody may a lot but everyone can. All relationships have troubles. I used to spend hours looking for people in my position who would understand and it made me feel better. That constant reassurance. It's something that stems my idea of Mike being my safety blanket. I feel like I've lost all my emotions. I haven't felt a strong surge of love in so long. I'm just so grumpy and sad constantly. It breaks my heart because I see how much is saddens Mike. If I were unselfish, I'd say "it's over, find someone who appreciates you more" but I can't. I do love him. I want my feelings back because before this we were in such an amazing place. It seems like nothing can shake this state I am in. I'm writing this now, thinking how I know he isn't. I know our infatuation has worn off and that's probably where this has come from. I can't help think that if I truly didn't want him or I was a lesbian or I did love my friend, would I worry this much? Would I not only occasionally think about it? Or am I in denial? These are questions that are always in my head. It's got to the point where it affects my dreams. I'll dream I love my friend or I love girls or something completely ludicrous.
Is this my punishment? My dismay? Did a lead a bad life previously or am I just in denial? Either way, a year on and I'm still fighting this. I won't let it take my sanity and my boyfriend. So I see many more psychiatric appointments in the horizon to regain my feelings.

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