I need help...
Posted by ellieh
31st Jan 2014

Two and a half years ago I begun to feel depressed. Nothing happened, there was no reason for me to be depressed. Everyone told me I had the perfect life, everyone was jealous of me but if they could see what was going on inside my head they would know that there was nothing to be jealous about.

I became good at pretending, faking a smile and a laugh. I would cheer people up when they were down and I would listen to everyone's problems. No one would expect it, no one thought that there was anything wrong with me but when I got home I would run to my room and cry myself to sleep for no reason. Then I found my release:

10th January 2012 - the day that changed my life.

This was the first time I took the knife, the first time I cut myself.

The sense of freedom, control and release that I felt was the most amazing thing ever. Well...for about 30 seconds, then the guilt, the shame, the embarrassment all kicked in and they stay with me forever. Every time I look at the scars the feelings rush through me. It's a viscous circle, where the shame makes you want to cut and the scars make you feel ashamed. I've been stuck in this circle for two years and I think I am ready to escape.

I've heard my friends views about depression, they think people that suffer from it are weak, that a depressed person will not be able to achieve as much as someone without it. I've seen them laugh at self-harm, they don't know why we do it, they don't know that we can't help ourselves. It isn't their fault they don't understand but it made me scared to tell them, but I'm not scared any more. Actually that's a lie, I'm terrified but I know its something I need to do.

I'm ready to tell them, to help them to understand, to help them to see. I don't want another person to feel the way I do and now I realise the way to stop that, the only way to prevent someone else feeling the same way is to speak up.

So here I am, I have depression, I self-harm, but I am not alone and neither are you.

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