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Ashamed of my illness
Posted by Kentboy1
27th Jan 2014

I could use a little sleep each night, instead I go for walks and being drawn to my local cemetery where I'll sit until 4 in the morning. I try to be logic but all my logic's have so many limitations, Feels like I'm strolling straight into hell at times and that's frightening. There is and never has been real care free laughter in my life, just false pretence and laughs that masks my real emotions. For me it's wrong to show how I really feel and let people see the hurt and pain my mental health inflicts on my daily life, as I'm someone who's ashamed of my illness. I've been diagnosed as Schizo- affective disorder.
I hate looking in the mirror at myself, all I see back is these lonely eyes staring at me with tears in at times. And all that goes through my head at times is this is where my story ends and is it my goodbye. But I do battle these thoughts every day and have little victories over them like as I battle the cold each night sitting alone in the cemetery. That's me everything is a battle one I have to fight and win, I'd rather fight and battle these voices and emotions, the cold at night outside than give in and fall apart and really show my wonderful care co-ordinator Samantha or my psychologist Pete the real me and open fully up, as I'm so ashamed of my illness.
At times I don't know what to do, I go with what I feel and many a day I feel I'm drifting slowly away or like a set of dominoes all lined up just waiting for the first one to fall and topple the rest over.
It's draining me and very exhausting. Irrational thoughts and then comes all my mixed emotions, anxiety and the voices in my head which confuses me and I lose all sense of reality. Fear is a big word for me, it's constantly getting more difficult to cope with and kicking in touch all these emotions and thoughts that go round and around in my head. I don't want to be sectioned again, not a pleasant experience, but as I say I have a wonderful care co-ordinator and people at my local community mental Heath centre who are my life line, I tell them all the time I'm so grateful for the unconditional support they give me everyday and I'm never a burden to them. These people are my Hero's keeping me alive and giving me a sense of purpose in life. I just wish they were treated and paid with the same respect their job deserves.

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