Forgetting not forgiving
Posted by Ellie1
13th Jan 2014

If there's one thing I can't stand it is the statement, 'but he's still your father.' Honestly, anyone who has ever used this should take a step back and have a word with themselves.
I understand that maybe your old man is a good guy, and you can fall out and in the end it's fine, but PLEASE learn this is not always the case. I really do not believe you can understand how upsetting and enraging this statement is. Yes, he is biologically and that's the end of it. He might be a father, certainly not a dad.
I also understand this tends to be a statement that is meant to bring some kind of comfort and it's said with the best intentions possible, but really, stop it.
When my old dears fell out (thankfully) my da told me that it was fine that they were finished as women should be treated like cattle, and once they're done having your kids you should be able to 'slit their throat.' Can you imagine? Saying that to a 17 year old girl. Thanks popa.
This is not a one off occasion either, this was an intrinsic belief.

I'm not going to go into any of the horrible things that man did, as that only serves to hurt my feelings, but I'll tell you guys that statement is nothing compared to some of the stuff he's done and said.

BUT none of this is my point. What I'm really writing to explain is how I realised that all the anger and all the hurt I held onto for such a long time hurt no one but myself. He didn't care at all, he's a terrible man. So why should I be wasting my time and energy even thinking about him.

Now I don't know if any of you guys are dealing with anything similar but I swear to God with him I had what I call a light bulb moment, I guess an epiphany. Just one day, I was trying to get away from him and he was there standing, shouting, whatever.. and I just suddenly thought, you know what? I am a better person than this man. He is nothing to me. He has given me nothing. I have no respect for this kind of person, why should him being family make that any different.

I was mid sob when this moment hit, and I swear in that second everything just suddenly felt ok. I suddenly realised he was nothing to me nor ever would be. I also for the first time did not feel afraid of him.

It's been a good few years since that happened and now when I see him (not by choice naturally) honestly I feel nothing. Somehow, some part of me just learnt to let go of all the negativity, all the bad things just gone. It was my choice, and I had the separation from him I needed and now he is less than nothing.

It's an incredible feeling. I don't know if you'll really understand this if you're not in the same situation, but I hope you will to some extent at least.

Either way, anyone out there struggling in this boat, you're not alone. We're getting through this.

Peace and love X

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