Hating Life
Posted by mittly
29th Dec 2013

Hey all

Finding it a bit of a struggle at the moment, managed to get through Christmas (eventually) and now its New Year which seems to be drawing closer and closer :(

I managed to get home before Christmas to see my parents, the journey was hard, but when I got there it made sense, just a hug from my mum was enough to put a smile on my face, two days later realisation hit me and we had to come back to our home :(

Being alone is horrible, i'm constantly stuck in my own thoughts and I have no one to talk to (it seems i don't have many friends at the moment) dying to see my counsellor but he's not available until a week on Monday :( ahhh. The helpless feeling is immense at the moment, I don't want to see anyone, go out, i'm happy just hiding inside with my cats, trying to make conversation with my partner is unbearable at the moment (does anyone else ever feel the same?) all I keep getting is go out this is no good or 'im going to see my family are you coming or not or are you just going to be selfish' amongst other thing,

Maybe I am being selfish, but there's certain things I don't want to do, Every time i'm with her family all I do is constantly try with them. They don't have many social skills, But to be honest neither do I and my partner doesn't get the fact that it wears me out just trying. Oh well, shes gone off in a stress now coz im being selfish, Now I feel like pants again, I managed to get out in the garden for half hour though, Watched the birds. One of my cats Juliet wont leave my side at the moment, Its really nice, she's just there meowing at me and trying to talk to me, Maybe she knows im not myself at the moment.

I really want to go out somewhere, I thought I might have been offered to take out or maybe just go for a walk round the block, but the none understandings apparent from my partner. I shouldn't blame her, but I thought the support was there and just being there, But it feels that has passed.

It all started with yesterday, Ive had flu and had a chronic headache to go with it, I woke up and said I feel a bit better can we please go for a nice walk somewhere to try and occupy my brain, Then i get 'what about bowling with my family' maybe i shouldn't have retaliated, but i said 'its all about your family isn't it' and that was it, Arguments tears and i get called selfish and ive stopped people from seeing there family. Please know I never have, I wouldn't ever do that. I actually try and encourage to go out and see them but everything's more important.

I just feel so lost at the moment, its hard to make friends and keep them. Its hard to try and talk to someone who doesn't judge me or the situation, Its hard to go out at the moment. The emptiness is hard. Really hard.
Wish my family was closer, a lot closer :(

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