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My Darkest Point
Posted by CML1982
18th Nov 2013

Often I'd have extreme suicidal thoughts, feelings of shame, guilt and also anger. My imagination was very dark. It all caused me to be cerebrally fatigued.

The constant noise in my head grew louder and louder. It emerged as a dominant force. It willed me to die. I wanted to die It would surround me like a thick soupy dark fog, ever so weighty and pull me down into the abyss. At times I reacted to this noise. Once I cut my arms, drank a bottle of vodka neat and attempted to jump from a bridge. I was stopped only by the forceful intervention of the police.

Year in, year out I tried to escape. Binge drinking, dabbling in drugs, many obsessive compulsive behaviours, eating disorders, I even gambled. I kept the wrong company, had the wrong influences, existed in the wrong environments. Yet I didn't know why all this was happening. I hated it. I hated myself. I was angry. Why was I doing what I was doing??? It was a volatile unpredictable existance. A manic life of extremes. I'd long given up on hope and ambition. I gave up on life. I certainly wasn't my true self. I'd settled for a troublesome existance. I'd bathed in a sea if being a waster. I'd accepted this as my lot.

I could close my world down easily. In my view, the world didn't want me anyway. I felt useless. I'd punish myself. I'd confine myself to a small room. I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't sleep. I'd lie there fantasising about ending it all. I'd hold a knife to my chest. I'd even tire of that. I'd just lie there. Scared to leave, scared to stay. Atrophy of my life force had kicked in big time.

All this had stemmed from every criticism, every mistake, every attack, every fear, every feeling of guilt and shame. It was all carried by me, accumulated, compounded into one big monster. My darkest point: an uncontrollable brute. I went to war with this beast. I starved my addictions. I got out of the destructive vortex. I exorcised many demons.

Eventually I regained my power. It would be easy to feel guilty and ashamed of my past and if onlys and time wasted. But all that would be detrimental to me.

I changed environments, company, influences. I manage my thoughts, feelings and imagination.

I now have the luxury of being able to read a book, immerse myself fully in it, free from bleak noise.

I now live an authentically, beautiful, healthy life. A peaceful life. A positive life. Honest and congruent. Happy with who I am. I'm now teetotal. I feel reborn. The darkness has contracted, the light continues to expand.

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