Posted by ratbag48
24th Oct 2013

It's always difficult this time of year. Seeing the dread words "British Summer Time Ends" printed on the calendar really doesn't help matters, as it means it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Most people are kind and sympathetic but they say stuff like "Well, you'll be able to ave a lie in" (I don't need a lie in, I'm retired) "Have you thought of getting a full spectrum lamp?" (aarrgh! I have three, none of which stops me feeling like this. In any case, you know I've been like this for years, why would I not have 'thought about' it?" ) and so on, and so forth. A few close friends do get it. They don't make suggestions, they will just type hugs and kisses on my facebook page.II

It's not a black dog, either. We used to have a gorgeous huge black family dog who was the only being to give me unconditional love when I was growing up, so I don't relate to that image at all. It's more of a putrid suffocating beige cloud. I call it wicked Uncle Beige. He hangs around like a bad smell at this time of year, waiting to pounce at unguarded moments. Most of the time I cam tell myself it's nothing I can't handle, and I know it will go away and I'll probably be feeling fine by Easter. But every year he comes up behind me and whispers in my ear in a nasty voice like an overblown recorder, "This year it will be different - you will go down into the dark and you won't come out!"

In principle the idea of going into the dark for a few months is fine - I do a kind of mental hibernation and don't ever travel further than abut 10 miles or commit myself to anything apart from one friend's xmas party. As I'm disabled I don't get out much anyway, so that's all right, I can just put on more layers and do crosswords and dicker about on the internet.

It's the sense of impeding doom that gets to me, This govt helps not a jot. Neither did seeing my (tory) MP who is neither use nor ornament. Reading the newspaper headlines and watching TV news makes things worse. I watch a combination of good films/plays/series/talk shows etc. on TV plus quizzes and a fair amount of trash which I try to pretend is a social exercise (ha! ) or at least pretend I'm a TV reviewer and write a blisteringly caustic review. We all know how much more fun the bad reviews are.

But this year there a a new and dreadful thing. One of my sons seems to have inherited this tendency to despair. A few weeks ago he went missing, precipitating a police hunt and a search by what appeared to be half the population of the city he lives in. He was found and brought home (his not ours - 2 hours drive away) and seemed to be managing for a while, but now he's not answering any texts or calls (He's spoken to us a couple of times since he went off and seemed all right) - has not done for 2 weeks, I know he is still alive. I don't know what to do now, as I don't think I'd have done that to my parents. But by the time I was his age both mine were dead anyway so I don't know for sure. So just now I left a message and broke down in the middle of it. Felt a bit of a fool but maybe it might make him think a bit.

If I'd known how painful it can be to have adult offspring.......... when they are small you can protect them but when they are adult they do much worse stuff and you have no control at all. Not that I want to control him, I just want to take away the pain. If I could feel it for him I would. Mummy is supposed to make it better but I can't.

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