Battling the Beast...
Posted by sophiaG
23rd Oct 2013

Well... this is my first attempt at a blog.... it is something that I have been fighting with the idea of for months... 'fight' you say?
Yes, fight... because, as I suspect is common with most major depressives.. our constant thought process tells us it is pointless, too much effort, will make us feel worse.. or, in my case, just another thing that i will fail at.
I am a 33 year old girl (although i feel too old to say that.. woman then)... married to the most amazing husband, and lucky enough to have had a good education, gone to a good school, traveled the world, lived in some different places and had a successful career.. yet I have been hit with a severe bout of anxiety and depression that currently makes me want to exit this life.. is living with this mental torture is something I will have to endure for the rest of it.
It is been an inconsistent and thus very confusing.
I had my first panic attacks when I was at University Studying for my History of Art degree. These escalated to the point where I found myself wanting to play with the traffic rather than face the torture or extreme panic that would hit every time I tried to write an essay.... after much searching for solutions I saw a psychiatrist who bluntly told me I had Generalised Anxiety Disorder and sent me packing with a prescription for Paroxetine and and a referral to a CBT therapist. It was like a slap in the face and I felt totally bonkers and useless.
Somehow, however, I managed to overcome the panics and get a grip on life... god knows how (and frustratingly now I cant really remember how) and I finished my degree with First Class Honours.
I went on to to an MA, found a career path and spent the last ten years climbing the ladder in the insurance world (i know!! sooo not History of Art!!) until it all came tumbling down about seven months ago...
I had moved to New Zealand and two years earlier and set up life there.. it was hard being far away from friends and family and having to start afresh.. it was hard trying to make a new home too.. and so I threw myself into my became my life..
other things happened which I don't feel brave enough to write about here, but to cut a long story short, one day the panic attacks hit again and I literally couldn't function. All i wanted to do was cry, I felt so desperate, so hopeless, so far away... I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep..
SO.. after much thinking about what to do, i made the incredibly hard decision to quite my job and move back to the UK. Incredibly (to the point that i didn't understand how.) i managed to work my notice period, and my husband and I decided to take five weeks off to go travelling around asia...
I had increased my medication from 10mg to 30mg of paroxetine and it all felt so much better. We had the most wonderful adventure and it really felt like everything was going to be alright. I was o excited at the thought of coming home and being around friends and family and building a life for ourselves again in London and working towards having a family of our own..
but the day I landed back in the UK, i broke down again and not long after another huge panic attack hit.
It came out of nowhere.
That was at the beginning of August. Since then, I have seen a psychiatrist and change my medication to Venaflaxine (75mg). I have also started seeing a psychologist twice weekly and I am finding her sessions occasionally comforting but also confusing with her talk of 'accepting the pain' and 'taking hold of my mind'...
I am trying Mindfulness meditation, exercise, hobbies, structuring my day, trying to see people.... everything basically..
I thought I was getting better and that the cloud was lifting but the last week it has come back again with a vengeance..
i am desperate..
I am at a loss as to what to do or try..
I am considering inpatient care but know it is so crippling expensive and am worried it will remove me from reality.. my husband is really anti me going in anywhere and people keep telling me that the only way i can get through this is by doing it by myself anyway..
i cant go on living if life is going to be like this and all i want to do is be content and happy and have a family....
i have no idea if anyone will bother reading this, but if anyone at all has had any similar experiences or can reassure me that having these relapses is normal and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel then i would really like to hear about it.
Similarly, if anyone has any experiences of inpatient care that they can tell me about, I would be interested to know...

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