Posted by EffieOnThames
4th Oct 2013

4th Oct 2013

In the last 48 hours, 2 of the closest people told me they think I needed professional help. There have been issues for almost 2 years now and they have been reasonably explained by circumstances at the time.

But in the last few months.. things have gotten far worse.. and the frequency of my meltdowns have increased. Control over my emotional state has been faltering and is starting to free fall.

On the face of it, there's no reason why I should be depressed or unable to function emotionally.

I thought it was issues with the marriage, but seeing a relationship counselor has, I believe, opened some old wounds and has triggered the slow but steady spiral.

So, at the risk of losing those closest to me, I've started looking into my mental health quality and trying to understand what else I can do.

I've contacted my GP... I've registered on here... and now I want to see how things go.

If I track it, the worst episode would have been about a month ago now, when, for the first time.. I stopped. I couldn't function any more and just lay down in a ball and stopped. I think I was like that for a couple of hours.. I didn't say anything. I couldn't, wouldn't do anything. That's not right. To top it off, a few days later, I considered suicide as a very real option. Thankfully a friend stood by me at that point, and while I know suicide is probably not a reality.. that doesn't stop me from thinking about it, and it doesn't help with my ability to control my emotions and function the way I used to.

I mean, for the last 2 years I have been teary, and erratic. I've found it increasingly difficult to cope with changes to plans and to react (without over reacting), to people around me. I've had difficulty sleeping and staying asleep, I've considered suicide. If you'd known me a few years ago.. I wasn't that person.

I want to know what has happened and I just want to be back to my old self again.. or if not my old self then at least a better version of.

That's probably enough for now.. and I'll continue writing the blog to track what's happening.

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