My Issues & Life
Posted by Snooki1992
29th Aug 2013

Right where to start..........

When I was younger my mum's friend's partner used to look after me and my brother. He used to play this game he would take me into his room, lie me down on his bed and he would lie next too me and we would play "secrets" - one day though, it went further. He told me to lie face down on the bed, he stripped of his trousers and lay on top of me (to this day this memory haunts me)

That is what I seem to think is where my problems have started, I am confused. What do you call that? It never went as far as rape, but he is still classed as a paedophile because of it. How do you explain to people that you are messed up and cant handle relationships because of this?

After this happened it was found that I was not the only one, there had been others including his daughter, his neice and my little brother - it was my brother that had told my mum about this. Well you can imagine a mother finds out her children have been.....(whatever you want to call it).....she turned very protective, wasnt allowed out to play, couldnt interact with other children, no trust in any men.

As I got older I realised that my "friends" they were hanging out after school and I couldnt, I wasnt allowed. This obviously has had a big effect on me. I became withdrawn from the people I once called "best friends". I was stuck in the house, no social life just surrounded by family. At the age of 15, I met this boy from school. I "fancied" him, asked him out and he said yes! Massive confidence boost. Long story short this relationship didnt last.....I became controlling, paranoid, agressive. One minute I could be the happiest girl alive then the next I was depressed, I started to cut myself it was the only way I could get a release from the anger and the upset that I was feeling. I couldnt speak to anyone, my mum got to intense to deal with. Arguin every day, I was 17, I had a boyfriend, I wanted to go out and enjoy myself was sick of being stuck in the same boring routine. I was getting hassle from my mum, Me and my Boyfriend were arguin all the time, the thoughts that went through my head "i'm not good enough" "why would he want to stay with a messed up b*tch like me" "he's gonna leave as soon as he gets the chance" etc. etc. I though this was the end of my life.

Just before I turned 18 - I met this guy. He would go out and have a laugh he lived a life I wished I had it was an attractive tribute. I fell for him and it turned out that I left my boyfriend for this other guy. At first it was great I thoroughly enjoyed having the freedom with him. We got engaged, we got a flat - FINALLY I thought my life was getting on track. On my 19th birthday my friend came up to stay with us as his birthday is the day after mines, well - my relationship with this guy was very volatile - he smashed up the flat, he smacked me off the wall. The police and everything was involved - (why me) (why couldnt I be normal). I thought I loved him so I dropped everything, I didnt want to lose him, how could I cope on my own. The same thing kept happening, we would argue and he would get agressive well over a couple of months I got sick of just taking it, I fought back - I wasnt a victim, I gave as good as I got! Not good I know. Eventually I woke up, realised this was not life, this was not how I was sopposed to live. We broke up but agreed to live together.

A whole year this happened living together but not being together - It was great, I started counselling, got my life back on track started feeling like me again. Joined a darts team, started feeling wanted. A feeling I always felt I needed. That is where I met my current partner - we started seeing eachother and it was weird, he wanted me but at the same time he was a closed book, couldnt read him at all. He stated he was his own man, he would do what he wanted and his life would not be dictated to him, I thought this is great, its what I need a man that I cannot dominate. A man who will take the lead role in a relationship. I fell for him so quick, this was real, this feeling was like none I had had before - he was my "one" - I knew from the start. we had a few good months then again the arguing started, we were both pretty unstable with paranoia but at the same time I always felt that I was the one he wanted to be with (weird I know, my head is not very clear, heaps of thoughts go through it everyday!) He then was just interested in going out and getting drunk (this did nothing for my paranoia) I just wanted to have quiet nights in with him, I wasnt interested in going out. No matter what we argued about or how serious it got we always worked things out. Then the false promises started happening "I wont drink", "I wont go in town" and of course this always happened, my trust diminished and this one night we had a huge discussion on it. & the same night he decided to go back on everything he said and go out and get drunk that night was just too much for me - I wanted him to understand how I felt, How what he was doing was effecting me - he wasnt interested, he seen this as me trying to control That night I went back to cutting myself Just to relieve the anger, I bled quite alot and needless to say fell asleep quite instantly. Just before falling asleep I sent a long text saying "I couldnt do this anymore, I tried it was really bad for my health etc and hopefully we could still be friends" The next morning I woke up and realised I had made a mistake, it was not what I wanted. I phoned, I called I tried to make ammends - he wasnt interested. We split for a week and he then contacted me and wanted to talk - we then got back together after a period of seeing and the majority of it has been really good, but we dont get to get any alone time and this is taking its toll on the both of us so we do argue quite abit.

(To be continued)

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