Pathway through the Mist- unfair beginnings
Posted by redchrysalis
26th Jul 2013

Unfair beginnings

A childhood of Dickensian values, of a mother who had autistic characteristics, who knew not how to touch, hold, care, be gentle, be kind, show emotion, give love. A Convent schooling, harsh, regimented. A childhood full of insecurities, fear, loneliness amongst 3 siblings, hated by my brother, aside from my twin sisters, alone in a large and loveless, unhappy dysfunctional family. Run away from home, many times, back by the end of the day

Beaten down, down, down. Scared, scared, scared. Do as you are TOLD. Bang, bang, bang. No, No, No DON’T do that. Please be gentle mum, that hurts. Please care. Please love. Please can you tuck me in bed- no, no goodnight………… Please may I have….. but I would love a rabbit to cuddle, no… no rabbit…. Can’t I please have my own bath water, clean water, please.. Why boys shoes?... Why can’t I be like the other girls, why do I have to be different? Please… Why a Convent?

Silent, unspoken words, just take what you get given, think yourself lucky

I’ve needed to reach out all my life, but have held back, kept within. It has just not been possible, it has been locked tightly in my core.

I see me. She is a young teen. She is too afraid to speak to me. She has gone to hide away. She has NO confidence, no esteem. She doesn't know how to communicate with me, she is scared, she can’t talk. She hides her face, she hides. She is a poor thing, there’s nothing to her, I have to coax her out, tell her not to be afraid.

Please help me. I am very lost. I need someone to hold my hand and lead me. I cannot stand up tall, I cannot hold my head up high. Teach me how to laugh, not be laughed at, PLEASE, what is it like to be happy, to feel someone’s warmth and love? I don’t want a lot, just enough to help me …. Help me…. To…survive.

This girl needs so much love, I want to gather her up and hug her close. She is desperate to be noticed but scared at the same time. She is at the bottom of the pile, and is being trampled on, crushed, getting hurt, sad, tearful, wishing out, needing help. I want to spend lots of time with her, showing her how to be brave, being by her side and guiding her; showing her her reflection in the mirror, telling her beauty is more than skin deep, that her heart is enormous, that there is love for her, that she deserves love, that she is a good and worthy child, that she will go far and achieve her dreams. I want to let her be herself, not stunt her growth, enable her to blossom in her own time, with the warmth of the sun, and sweetness of the rain, and teach her that she has a deserved place on this earth, and she will smile and be at peace.

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