Posted by RAW
17th Jul 2013

Sometimes I feel like I've got to create problems either to justify my depression or to give myself a kick up the back side into doing something about it, something to work towards.

I've always had a bad relationship with food and although I've never ever felt good after a binge, for some reason I can't seem to shake the comfort eating idea. I know it'll only make me feel worse, but I just can't stop myself sometimes, as if it's some stupid self-destructive form of punishment. I've put on a lot of weight this year but I'm nowhere near my peak. I suppose we hear cliches all the time about things getting worse before they get better, and maybe subconsciously I want to push myself into a corner and hope I come out fighting. Weight isn't the be all end all, I hate society's obsession with having to appear this way and not that way but nevertheless it still has a bigger impact on my self-worth than it ought to. I don't feel like I want to be, but even if I were the ideal BMI etc I think I'd just move onto another part of my appearance to criticise.

Even being the pessimist I've always thought I am, I can be quite impulsive and idealistic. I see a bad idea a mile off and for some reason it's just irresistable. I gave myself a news blackout for a few weeks earlier this year but I didn't like the feeling of being out of the loop, I just couldn't resist the bad news. I've done a lot of things that even at the time I've been 99% certain would do me no good whatsoever, but I do them anyway. Whether it's a form of punishment or a desire to prove myself wrong against the odds, I have no idea. I have a hard enough time pinpointing how and why I feel, never mind how and why I act.

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