Taking Action - Why now???
Posted by xsharsx
4th Jul 2013

Yesterday was my God-Daughters christening. It should have been a happy day. In many ways it was.
In some ways it was one of the best days I've had. I had a best friend who not only appreciates me for who i am but trusts me enough to be the god-mother of her child. The child in question, my beautiful Liliana Grace. The cutest and smiliest baby I've ever seen. Her big sister Aliyah, giving me cuddles and making my day that every bit better. My oldest best friend, who is always there, whom i dont give enough credit to.

Yes it was a good day, but i still found myself close to tears at several parts of the day.

As in many cliche stories, the inspiration for my emotional flaws yesterday was a boy.

I know what your thinking, its just another situation of unrequited love, a messy break-up or some dramatic experience resulting in a girl crying and a boy walking away. Well all of those things happened with this boy, just not yesterday. Yesterday was two years later. It was my first experience of interaction with him where i hadnt been under the influence of alcohol and at the other side of the bar, inhibriated enough not to care. Truth be told, i had no idea what i was going to feel. Sure i told people i didnt care about him, and i dont. But you can never guess what tricks your emotions will play on you when the object of such pain rears its ugly head. What emotions will the meer sight of him conjure: pain? closure? regret? None of the reactions i expected came into play. In truth, i looked at him and that clenching feeling i would experience in the pit of my stomach two years ago had gone, yurnings for a touch or a hug had disipated.

So what did i feel? Anger and Resentment

Although not something to be proud of, i am a person who lives with clinical depression. I have been depressed since before i can even remember. People who dont understand look on in from the outside and attribute my state of relapse in the past few years to the same boy referred to. Yes, heartbreak can render you numb, but i was numb in the first place. Any pain or sorrow i experienced was just an extra ingredient to my depths of sadness.

What people dont know, is that that boy made me feel good. Like the urge to not get up in the morning was less aparent, and i had a smile on my face that i didnt have to fake. He knew me for me, and still chose to spend his time on me. I felt accepted and safe.

To this day i dont know of the things he said to me what was true and what wasnt. I have accepted the worst and best possibilities and moved on.

I suppose your wondering why the hell i was so emotional by seeing him. I had a seemingly good relationship and now its over, case closed? Not so much. I saw him as an example of what I hate the most: small-mindedness and prejudice. How could someone who at least appeared to care for me do such a quick turnaround? How could someone go from saying im beautiful and caring to calling me a mentalcase to people I dont even know. In a town like chesterfield, people know people, and such slander always has a way of finding its way to the topic itself. Thats what hurts so much, the fact that people attribute such stigma to something they dont understand. By 2020 depression will be the most disabling medical condition, yet people are still questionning whether it can even be classed as "medical", people still make assumptions, still call names and stereotype those affected.

Two years ago, I let my gaurd down to someone who made me feel like I should be ashamed of who i am. Like i should be ashamed of having a mental disorder. I wanted to cry yesterday because i remembered how such stigma made me feel. I never want anyone to feel like i did. Mentioning no names, i know two people who have killed themselves in recent years. Would those people have felt so hopeless if someone just understood or at least empathised with them? Is it a lack of understanding and an increase of slanderous commnets by small-minded people increasing the prevalence of suicide? Probably not, but all i know is, hearing someone refer to you as a "mentalcase" makes you feel liitle, makes you feel worse, when in actual fact its the person doing the slandering who should be ashamed of themselves.

Ive come a long way in the last two years, and it hurts me that people are still going through similar situations.
Ive recently started making jewellery for mental health charities, particularly SANE and MMHP. I know my contribution to mental health awareness is insignificant in comparison, but i cant sit around and accept that there are people out there who are happy living with a misunderstanding of mental health, not having any realisation of how they effect others. I hope me bearing my feelings sets an example to people that they shouldnt be ashamed, its not shameful to need help, and it certainly isnt shameful to be living with a mental health disorder.

I will from now on strive to take action against mental health prejudice, wether that be through charity fundraising, research or just lending an ear. From now on i am an advocate of mental health awareness, and i am proud!

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