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Telling it how it is for me
Posted by Vickypowell
13th Jun 2013

I find it very difficult talking to people about how I feel, I have been told I hide my feelings well but when I have tried to talk about them I have been told I am being silly, everyone gets down, pull your self together, it's not that bad, it's all about you.

Truth is in my family I have been the one that sorts things out, when I left my husband in 2001 my family were shocked, maybe if they had let me talk back then they would have realised how much I was struggling.

I have attempted suicide twice, 2002 and 2005, I think this frightens my family and friends and I sense a panic in them, as I go through a very difficult time again, yesterday I found myself trying to explain how I as feeling to my dearest friend, she was upset with me for being so frank, she said it all is clear to her she was telling me what to do, but without sounding selfish or ungrateful it just is not as easy depression does not come with an off and on switch, for me until work is sorted out things will not get better.

I stupidly thought my employer would be supportive but they have not in stead they have made me feel worthless because I have told them I have a depressive disorder, which has been triggered over the last 12 months by work.

I want to shout from the roof tops that yes I struggle, but that does not make me a bad person, or unable to do a good job. Yes please, I would really like support without feeling like a failure for being brave enough to ask for help.

Now that I have been frank with my friend she will most likely not want to talk to me because I gets her down, this makes me feel worse, and I begin to feel like a burden again, and the cycle continues, I stop talking, hide myself away, want to run away, disengage, find it hard to be around family and friends, slide back into that deep dark place gain.

Vicky

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