Posted by endofmytether
8th Jun 2013

Why do i always find myself at the same crossroads? I am do busy helping other people recover that my own mind is a turmoil ready to burst.
I chair a local support group have done for manage years , loved it helped many people feel safe and comfortable to speak about there experiences.
I was strong confident and didn't let anything get me down until last year when i was systematically bullied at work over 3 months. This became too much when i tried to kill myself by jumping onto a railway line, due to a member of the public reporting my "strange behavior" the police arrived before i did it and ending up in a mental ward for a few months.

All I could think about wasn't myself and how to feel better, was about all the people i help and support and how would they mange without me to call upon.. In hind sight did theses people contact me or my family whilst i was hospitalized....NO!!!!.

so AGAIN I QUESTION, why do i always think of others before myself.. Isnt this just damaging my mind more?

if so why do i not realise this and acknowledge it and move on, whats holding me back.

Its that part way in the back of my mind saying you need to help people you need to put others first.

My mental health as been part of me for so long i just accept its me, but now i can actually feel that i am at the end of my tether far more than i was before.
I have no faith in myself and my abilities to quote my step father "im useless and no good for anything"
and people i thought were friends are taking advantage of this lack of esteem. i must know it otherwise why would i be writing about it.

But again my mind says, you need to help people, put others first.

The crossroads I face is now to increase my esteem, help myself first and then only others and if myself isn't better I need to say no and walk away.
does anyone one this easy to do

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