1,000 Tiny Pick Axes
Posted by gazfox83
16th Apr 2013

I wrote the following on March 16 2013 and would like to share it with you all...

A thousand tiny pick axes are currently chipping away at the inside of my forehead, causing a dull aching. It's a fairly regular occurrence to be honest with lots of causes, some obvious, some not so.

A dull headache doesn't seem to be particularly worrying and, logically, it shouldn't be. However, I'm all to away that the headache is just the first piece in my anxiety/depression puzzle - it's the first step to a full-blown anxiety attack and then a prolonged bout of the black stuff.

Even as I write I can feel the second piece of the puzzle interlocking snugly with the first. The dull feeling of dread in my sternum. The dread isn't necessarily concerned with events or what the outside world has in store. Far from it. Today should be great - it's a Saturday! Time to spend with my wonderful fiancée, maybe a bit of gardening and then plenty of sport to look forward to this evening. Not exactly stressful. In fact, the dull dread is seeping coldly through me, down to my stomach as my frustration over the possibility of not being able to enjoy today takes hold.

My fiancée, Becky, is a primary school teacher. That's how we met. Don't worry, we were fellow teachers at the same school, I wasn't in her class. I'm not entirely sure why I've jumped from the paragraph about the apparent symptoms of anxiety to type about Becky but, considering this blog is going to be about the important things in my life, it would be mad not to mention her. Also, I have decided on a policy of streaming my consciousness when blogging and editing is banned, so I can't very well reposition Rebecca in this blog in order to assist with narrative flow. We've never argued about me valuing narrative flow over her and I'm fairly sure now isn't the time to start. Anyway, she is currently on her way to Tesco in the car to buy me a paper and then to pick up a parcel for me at the sorting office. She's not getting anything for herself. Meanwhile, I sit here in our bed, feeling warm, lazy and selfish simultaneously. It was going to be me who was going to the supermarket. After all, I was the first one awake this morning (the pick axes started early - must have plenty of skull to mine...) and it was my idea to go out. But a conversation about my future employment (I am about to leave my job by mutual consent) has created another piece of the anxiety puzzle. Riga mortis. My calves are currently doing an excellent impression of granite as my toes curl upwards, trying to shoot the anxiety out of them like a weird five barrelled alien toe-gun! The upshot of this is that I'm on this verge of self-induced cramping - not the most disturbing of self-harming pursuits but exquisitely painful nonetheless. God knows why my legs seem to do this - it's a bad habit that my body has learnt I think. Anyway, the long and short of it is, Rebecca is awesome and I'm not entirely sure what I'd do without her.

Anyway, this was supposed to be a wee introduction as I'm going to start writing a blog about all manner of things. I'm writing a book so I'm going to blog about that. I've got depression and anxiety (That's what it says on my sicknote and that's what the pills are for apparently!) so I might blog about that too. I also tend to get myself stuck in odd situations, due to having too much time on my hands (being off work), being preoccupied with writing and being sucked into odd daydreams completely at odds with the real world. So I might blog about that too.

If you find strange odd little hobbit men with webbed toes interesting (I have an issue with self-deprecating humour - my therapist and I are working on it) or have anxiety/depression and might gain some comfort from the fact that someone else is dealing with similar things to you then feel free to have a read of my blogs as and when they go up. It would be even better if you want to comment - it would be great to chat with people who have similar experiences and a similarly odd outlook on life, or even if you don't. Don't worry if you do not have webbed toes - your contributions will still be very much welcome.

Have a cracking week,


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