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Rubbish forest analogy and some other ramblings
Posted by alicebeesley
20th Nov 2012

I suppose it's all the same cliche sort of stuff, depression, isn't it?
I am nearly eighteen years old and I think I have already lost the will to live. Tenfold.
I certainly think that these are meant to be the best years of my life, but for the past couple of years depression has hit me hard and I find it increasingly difficult to keep breathing everyday.

I wish I didn't have these problems and equally I wish I didn't moan about them so much. But there are days where I won't say a word to anybody all day and I am sat, isolated, lost in my own mind. It is the literal swallowing up of my soul. I feel numb most of the time but there are those days where the pain breaks through that numb barrier and I'm in the depths of rock bottom.

I sort of think of it all like I'm lost in a forest somewhere. I'm so deep in the forest and it's so dark; sunlight doesn't even reach these depths. And I'm stumbling and tripping and I'm trying so hard to find where I'm meant to go. The worst part is, I can hear everybody else - my friends, my family, other people my age, all laughing and going on with their lives like normal people. I can hear them and I can visualise it all but I'm lost and it seems like every step I take is a step in the wrong direction and I am just sucked deeper into this never ending abyss.

The part that gets me about all of this is how reliant we as people are on medical care yet how often this care lets us down. I have had so many therapists that have dismissed me after the first meeting.
What is it about being a calm, logical, depressed teenager that isn't worrying to them? People go in and throw a chair at the therapist and they are admitted to a specialist or something. But I go in there, calm (I suppose) and I give my views on the situation and it is all very thought out. Yet they think my coherency detracts from the seriousness of my situation. Surely, you'd think the ones who are very methodical are the ones you'd worry about. Who are they to suggest I haven't already planned my suicide in a step-by-step colour-coded handbook and I'm just here as a cry for help?

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